My brain. No no good at all. I think it all started with a runaround turnaround confused mess I ended up being this morning. Due to E’s tv insistence, there have been occasions, though few, that I end up sucked into whatever dvd we might be watching. Cable is for the living areas, not the bedroom, which has helped. But I ended up staying up watching the Last Samurai until almost 4 am. I have seen it, and I own it (there are two copies here because we both have it), and I hate Tom Cruise for his general insane behavior. How anyone can take him seriously is very beyond me. But this film probably would not have been done better by anyone else. He is likable, and though it was not easy for me to not imagine his head swimming with the voices of dead aliens, it’s good enough to admit liking.
So today was just weird. I keep second guessing the things I say to people…not opinions, mind you, but the things I say about myself. It’s very hard to describe, but there is a certain unraveling that can occur when you start questioning that core self. Not the core of my being, but the voice that tells me I should tell people about myself. Granted there is some identity that lies in going through this shit and having it be the point of conversation because you can’t say, yeah, me and my friends spent the year in Italy or wherever else would be more interesting. Or yeah, I’ve been there, done that. My been there done that is nothing anyone would want to elect to go through, and is really not impressive in terms of considering accomplishment. Yeah yeah yeah,we can all go round and around about survivors until our Jewish voices come stuttering out asking why, why wouldn’t ya think ya deserved a fucking prize girl…
But it’s a different kind of prize, for a different kind of contest. And not one I want.
ANd yes, there are some days, and some weekends, we should just shut our faces and not talk about ourselves. This whole full moon spoon is for the birds. My brain, er I mean head, has been hurting for days now. I blame it on the wifi, but I think it’s just that shit has been shaken and lies unsettled. In my brain ain ain. I haven’t checked my voice mail for three days. Maybe I should do that instead of peeing all over the page.
October 10, 2006 at 9:56 am
I got stuck watching that very same movie a week ago
and I say “stuck” in the literal sense that I could NOT peel my eyes away from the screen as it was a very well written screenplay
on the other hand, I totally and completely CAN`T STAND Tom-fuckin-Cruise so he alone ruined the entire movie for me…….I kept telling Dee that I had wished anyone but HIM had played that part……hell Abe Vigoda could`ve jumped out from behind a bamboo rush wielding a sword with a Cavalry uniform on and I would`ve enjoyed the movie more than as it stood with dumbass at the helm of Star
Cruise is one self-involved motherfucker these days
I can`t wait till he gets back on Oprah with a tinfoil hat on this time around
on another note……it`s OK to talk about yourself to others
the real issue is, how do you DEFINE Deanna? because if you define DeAnna as “the girl who`s arteries once exploded” , then you are not only cheating yourself but cheating others from knowing what it is you really are about
is “dildonic” really a word?…….that`s funny as fuck
Pick yer chin up lil` woman….sneaking up on 30 sucks,yes, moreso for a woman than a man I would imagine but so much is yet to accomplish in life and there are YEARS ahead of you…….at least you got yer plumbing remodeled already
I have noticed that when you get all holed up in yer little dark closet and stop contact from the outside world (doing things like not checking voice messages) you tend to get darker and darker (mentally)
enough of your self-imposed purgatory….go get some Sunshine on ya and if time outside in the real world don`t work, you have my permission to come back here and tell me to Fuck Off (obligatory stupid-ass smilie thingy inserted here)
I`m just sayin
October 10, 2006 at 3:33 pm
I so totally hear you. I’ve given up tryin’ to talk to people too damn much. *sigh* Why bother? 😛
October 11, 2006 at 9:20 am
Umm….OK
why can`t I ever answer all short and to the point?
why do I go into long-winded self-important diatribes?
I`ll bet I offend alot more people than I think I do
October 11, 2006 at 2:54 pm
Because you actually have a brain in your head (and I suspect you know how to use it). 😀
And life ain’t worth living if you aren’t pissing off *someone*! Boy, don’t I know this one!!! 🙂
October 11, 2006 at 2:40 pm
I don’t know what you told…but talking about yourself gets stuff out…and can make you feel better. Of course it can also make you more introspective, which I have the sneaking suspicion that you don’t need more of that…lol. You are so deep and introspective sometimes that I feel dumb after reading your stuff….because I have to read it numerous times to absorb the intensity….I feel like an idiot. But, I make myself feel better by telling myself that it is because I don’t know the whole backstory….
Sometimes I feel like I tell people too much for the wrong reason…like to be funny. People always laugh, but I wonder after if it was WITH me or AT me….lol.
Keep talking…your story is at least interesting…most people’s aren’t. Trust me. 🙂
October 14, 2006 at 2:06 am
I like the era of “Last Samurai”, and I know the history of the Meiji Restoration and the Saigo Takamori revolt. The Tom Cruise movie is pretty, but it ruins a fine story.