My boy has this incredible ability to be the best spooner on the planet. 99% of the time he is spooning, or I am spooning and we just spend a good portion of the night spooned together.

Today is that bright placid liquidy kind of day. Tomorrow evening my mother and her mother (by blood that is) are going to be in my presence for the first time ever. Birth mothers, birth grandmothers; essentially they both get called by their first names anyway.

I have realized my boy has played into the broken wing night in shining something syndrome. He is feeling uncomfortable that I can survive so well in the space he demanded I give him. I guess half of him wanted me to stand up, and the other half wanted me to beg him to pay attention to me. Last night the thought of not being with him was a frightening prospect. At first because I think he wants to take care of me. It seems from the information I have had, he has previously dated insane, emotionally infantile, intelligence half-baked girls who wanted to be big girls but either went nuts or decided to porn their emotions out (literally) for some unhealthy doses of attention.

It’s all good, though. I know who I am, where I am going. A new friend said to me yesterday :”you aren’t what you accomplish. you are how you live.” A definite far cry from the world my parents tried to surround me with. Money and education were the only exclusions from complete loserdom, and I happen to have almost none of both in a formalized manner. I will rock all of you.

ANYway, Thursday am is my free Cat scan. And my birthday is in two weeks as well. Two weeks from today exactly.

Sometimes I realize the internet used to be a cuddly bed I used to sleep heavily in, I have come to see it is very cold and vacant for a lot of people.

My paintings, my sculpture, my voice will be exploited when I feel like it. For now, it doesn’t matter much. Though I do have a scarcity of people I can really call close enough to pick up a phone and dial.