I feel like I am in a constant state of flux and movement…with so much going on, floating by and becoming more real, it’s easy for me to get distracted with the whats I think I don’t have and/or should…I have realized that the history shaking is going to be a big deal for me. It’s a part of my identity and if people know nothing about me, it seems to be that. General assumptions about me are twirled into that–sad, but true. Nobody knows where I work, what I go to school for, who I date, what I do…just a few of the people I keep close to my person. But that, that is something people can see, point, and ask questions about and there are usually people around to collaborate answers if they don’t know themselves.

It’s not like I am going to just ignore questions asked if they do come up. I am just going to stop volunteering anything even if it is relevant to the situation at hand. Volunteering an idea or position is going to be something I do if it’s worthy, but without regard to being any kind of expert or having any kind of inside knowledge. If it comes up, alright. But at the end of the day impressions are directed from my own actions.

Posturing to be in a more powerful position by removing current meaning from where I have been–it’s an inner confidence that will glow through that, I suspect. I also have become a bit closer to understanding my own aptitudes for spirituality. It’s been difficult to try and convey adequately what I think about the things I have seen or have not–people tend to expect a lot more insight from someone who has gone through having her heart stopped…lemme see. 6 times? And I have it, I do, but I am not about sharing it exactly, as it tends to abrade the senses and put me in a position to “know” or feel that I know, further increasing the distance between myself and those who I ultimately had seen in the past as “having it easier” by not knowing, in fact, than I have.

I am not ashamed to say, that even in my agnostic heart, I know there is a lot more to life than THIS. I also want to pull away from material shit…be able to just pack off and disappear should I feel compelled. Right now the sheer weight of knowing everything I own is in one spot is scary enough. But if I can remove some of the meaning of the stuff…or truly understand that the stuff never made me feel half of what I have felt coming face-to-face with a similar soul…well chucking it to the garbage will be infinitely easier than trying to put self-worth and value on things, activities, or the tools that make that possible (money money money).

I am proud to say I am more than halfway there in regards to the things…I’ll travel with no cash just to “wing it,” though borrowing from people in the midst of winging it isn’t winging it at all, but budgeting payback schemes and arranging a strange economic model.

Come October or November I am going to go to Holland and Germany for the Oktoberfest. I think that is a fancy birthday surprise for me…and something I can save and build on.

Cheers to feeling a zillion times better after pouring my soul out on the interweb! (yay!!!!) Hate you, innanet, but the likelihood someone will discover I wrote after I am gone is greater when the media will never disintegrate or need to be located in the bins and bins of books, drawing pads, paintings and the other shit that sits in my closet.

and to that I say, wok-n-woll.