So today is what I would consider almost the countdown–yesterday was the technical date–I never want to be seen as a fool so I tend to make decisions not on April Fool’s, but for before. I had to get a dental clearance for the procedure–and only $300 [!!!] later earlier today was I okay and cleared. This of course took all of our remaining credit so I did cancel the Kite Festival hotel room I had booked for us in Virginia Beach at the end of April–that was supposed to be our first beach thing and I might very well die before I ever get to do that. Whatever. At first I was going to complain about that, but then I realized something rational I said to my birth father the other day–“at our age, if you don’t have your shit together, you don’t get to do nice things, you don’t get to buy houses.” And I realized that yeah, this country is a cesspool for sick people–on top of the sickness you get to understand there is a hell of a lot more that you can’t do than you can when it comes to getting financially solid.

I have been kind of lamenting my stance I took a few decades ago–the have nothing to take because they still get everything one–I mean, sure, it meant I had nothing to lose–but I certainly didn’t keep shit either. When you live in this country and get stuck trying to figure out when you should file for medical bankruptcy…not if, and try to strategize it because of what it does–I mean it makes no having a health plan seem obscene. Yeah yeah yeah–I do think the COVID-infected in a few years will be a huge societal burden we all get to share–obviously even if we are hateful we all still share resources which does include medical care–and I do think it will get solved probably after I am dead. But in the meantime I am still ruining lives….

I’ve been kind of oscillating between panic and just acceptance–and I realized today after seeing my most recent teeth cleaning and the $1200 estimate for the next single fucking tooth–well if I did die it would hurt my husband, sure, but at least he would get some money. As I mentioned to him pretty rationally and without any tears–I am worth more dead than alive. Just like so many of you–not able to work yourself out of the burden you are on society–and remember. I worked from 15-43 so it’s not like I am just some lazy slob who is just expecting everyone else to do it for me–I put in my time, my years–why it was too much to ask not to have to lose every asset for medical care over the past few decades–I really cannot ascertain–but I gave up trying a few years ago and so have spent my money because fuck you America, you got my hope, my future and there is no way you are going to take all of my fun away. Money to me is fun–to many it is a foundation–but when you never get to keep it, good luck building a foundation on just wishes you can’t guarantee or ever keep.

So today I drove to Ashley Furniture looking for a recliner–we have nothing like that here. I know I need one, he isn’t so sure. He thinks the not-too-comfy couch and this bed will be enough. I have no money so what the fuck kind of argument can I really make for my chair? I can’t. All that being said, the one I wanted which would yes, massage you, won’t be in for 8-12 weeks and we know I would need something before then and even still-it’s well over a grand so no. I will try to find a free one on marketplace–not a massager, just a recliner.

I also made an appointment to get my lady fun checked out because the menopause might make the hospitalization that much worse. Plus, there was the pre-cancerous stuff and the lumps in my boobs I never took out. I just need to get my hormones even so I don’t have to sweat my ass off for no good reason mid-surgery. I thought that would be a better plan than my self-medication I have gotten so good at doing, trying to solve all my own problems because nobody else wants to help me so I am constantly experimenting on myself. Oh, I have done many many experiments, remember. Medicines, modalities I don’t think there has been much I haven’t tried except maybe the PEMF thing I might get some help on–a big might, but I have made the moves to try to get some–the only issue is I am basically nobody, so I am asking favors from people who have no connection to me at all—that would, I guess, do it because they wanted to be kind. But–as we all know, I have no friends, so if I got no help, ohhh well. I would survive. And if I don’t…well there’s money in it for the person whose life I ruined the most.