This is probably going to hurt your feelings to realize, but in America, at least, it is the only thing that seems to be able to define a person. The haves, the have-nots. The do you have enough money to live, the do you need to go into debt to do it, the do you have the cash to be listened to?

I went to the dentist yesterday and had to call Don, crying of course, because my tooth, well, my teeth, rather, are absolute shit and just another money pit that is me. The one tooth I had the pain about is just going to be a tooth that causes me pain in my cranium as its the same tooth that has been haunting me for the past several years. Apparently it is a root canal where the root is re-growing or trying to reconnect itself, as it were, to the feeling parts of my face or skull. I can’t really remember all the specifics as I have now had 3 different dentists refer me to a specialist for it, but the last time I remember looking at the XRAY to see a squirrely part of the nerve trying to re-assert itself to make me feel like I want to pop my own head off. So yeah, that tooth couldn’t be fixed until I win the lottery, but the slew of other ones adjacent to it needed help, so not $600 later I am still in need of help for the bad one and another chipped molar on the other side. So there it went on his credit card again, the same one he’s already mad has a balance on it.

And I still have to have this LEEP thing done, but at this point I have a regular physical setup for another physician connected to a hospital chain here that is known for heart surgeries. So I hope that next week I can convince the regular physician to give me the vaccine so that when and if I end up in the ER for the pain that is going to come at some point, I don’t have to expect I will develop Covid and yes, want to die over suffer more traumatic brain or blood clot injuries. If I end up in that ER, it is because Don has driven me there, because if I leave it to chance, I will end up in one of the such and such hospitals that have lost people because they didn’t listen to the CDC. But ultimately I do not want to go in for any procedure at any place without the vaccine, so here we are.

The Dentist is the only medical provider I have seen with any actual common sense and was a totally random find by me for Don. She has 3 medical grade filters in less than 800 sq feet so literally is the only business not counting on the kindness of people not to ruin her world. She makes everyone wear masks, sure, but I was in there for 3 hours getting cavities filled and a new crown fitted.

But back to my opening statement–I do hope in your lifetime at least, that they will figure out the healthcare conundrum here. You cannot have or keep money and be affected with a genetic disorder like I have had. I have had payment arrangements with the literal world since 2015 most recently–and if you think about it, money, or its lack, or precisely why he and I are even out here. Had we had more, we would have been able to stay–we would have been able to be okay and wait for him to get the next job to afford me the surgery to get this shit done. But instead we are clear across the country still knowing nobody really, though I’ve had an acquaintance who’s been kind. Do I have anyone to help me when I am recovering at home? No. I will have to take care of myself mostly because that is what you have to do sometimes. Don is actually now the sole person left at his job who knows WTF is going on, actually the only person who knows even 10% of what is going on, it’s been that hard with everyone’s lack of knowledge and there is no way in any universe he will be able to be gone for long.

But this time I will be filming it all, for those who like the voyeurism of peaking in at a life. Hopefully I survive and leave something better than nothing. Because that’s all I have. My monetary value, as I told Don is of a literal money pit. My value to my friends? Um. What friends?

There was something else I was going to say but I will figure it out to pop it out later. But this whole the only value everyone agrees upon is money thing I’ve realized will leave you a little stilted to recognize, because it is absolutely true. Oh yes, no the move. We have to move but the fees to move will make moving before the lease is up lose all the savings we would be able to save doing the move. So now I am semi-trying to convince him Hawaii or Europe. And he’s fascinated with some first home-buying things I get emails about in Alexandria. I guess it’s okay to feel like you might have a choice, but I hope wherever we move next is better than here.

Asta, kids. Asta.