Well let’s admit, it wasn’t a waste in every sense, just in my time. Right now I am kind of losing my shit, trying my best to keep myself calm, while also conspiring to have a plan.

I haven’t been able to pay any medical bills because we aren’t able to save a bit with how expensive the East Coast is. Granted me not working doesn’t help, no it absolutely doesn’t, and I guess my semi-retirement plan needs an undo button of sorts. If you don’t remember I quit my job almost 16 months ago because I was stressed out, and my BP was through the roof trying to manage the expectations my job had for me in terms of being accountable for every second after working for years without a complaint. I had already had a blood clot that summer and it seemed like the right time to step away. Now, I have NEVER done that, you know, had the space to do that given my precarious health condition has required that I keep health insurance at the forefront of every decision. So, yeah, I kind of fucked around for a bit, pretended I was free, took lots of classes, joined some clubs, and would you believe it, actually looked into volunteering for some foundations, namely the Aquarium and Denver Botanic Garden, because that’s what a woman with means would be able to do. I had been planning to do a few classes in order to get that done, but not 6 weeks later I am reading about Coronavirus and so I got a little scared and decided, nahhh, let’s do this later. May comes and it’s, you need to get this valve done ASAP and I was worried then about being in the hospital during a pandemic, but clearly it just got bad over the past few months. Still. Still.

Don was home a few weeks after that and so the urgency was, shit, now I HAVE to have the damn valve done and I don’t have a job or insurance–I was taking Art Classes, ‘member? And he’s madly applying and he’s got some good foundations to use as he was working on a military base and his skillset is like THE skillset for a pandemic so he finds something not two months later and it’s the place he wanted to work and had told me he wanted to work. So I cash out my only backup plan, my 401k and we move not even 5 weeks later. I do all of the work because he is kind of playing the you HAD ALL OF THIS TIME game, what were you doing for the 8 months I was gone game and so I played my part, because really. WTF was I going to do?

So now we’re here and this insurance is expensive and his contractor is taking a LOT of his money the government is paying them for him, and we found out he undershot his salary by a good $30k and EVEN with that, the contractor would be making bank. And we can’t afford to live here and I can’t pay my fucking medical bills, and my arms hurt and I need a job but I don’t want to die of Covid. So I am, how you say, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I mean, shit, I legit spend no money on me. Haven’t had a wax or had my hair done since last August. I let him buy me one pair of boots and one sweater but every time we are out, I try to make him get something for him since I can and do wear basically the same 5 pairs of pants and 4 sweaters and 3 tank tops and 3 t-shirts. I only change my pants because they are attached to my crotch and yeah. I don’t EVEN DO ANYTHING but he keeps telling me I am too expensive and yeah. Had he not gotten the most expensive health insurance and had to get a 2 bedroom apartment his life would be cheaper. Had he not had me buying food for two and a dog, he would be alone and yes, life would be fucking cheaper.

As it is, I am tired. I AM tired. I sometimes muse on quadrupling my medicine and downing it with a few liters of grapefruit juice and I would absolutely fall asleep and never wake up. And who would fucking miss me? The dog, because he wouldn’t get taken out. Don would, at first, and then he would see how cheap his life would be cutting out the cost of my benefits and food for one. He would be fine paying someone to walk Duke and he would live the life he wants much sooner than having me in it would offer.

I should have invested in Gamestop, silver, AMC and that DOGECOIN. But, I can’t even buy myself shampoo right now even though my hair is falling out in clumps. ASSHOLE LIFE.