Nebraska is Nebraska. It’s prettier than Kansas but I have a hard time rationalizing the need or want to be there, I guess, beyond job necessities. I went to see him there, his job puts him out of the house for about 12 hours every day and I’d bet his loneliness sometimes eclipses mine. I am desperately lonely, probably like a few of you. More than a few of you have children to occupy the time in your thoughts for the space in mine for him and our life. I sometimes pray for a quick solution, a way to make our lives better rather than be a drain on resources. For me this requires I figure some shit out. Being out there didn’t mean I used my time truly effectively. A small room without all my tools was a little harder to endure as was the grey that seemed to pervade the days. There isn’t a lot of sun–it’s kind of the skyline of the eastern part of the country with less moisture in the air. Less beauty in the landscape. There are farms, sure, pretty patches of the thumbs of the earth’s lungs, jutting out in patches all over the surrounding areas. It’s got its own charm, but I told him if we were going to move there I want a south facing loft down near the bricks and cobblestones. There would be no point being anywhere else in a place that appears not to take itself seriously enough to leave much more than a passing impression, but keep in mind this is Winter and it’s cold for no good reason (no snow for sport, no sun, not a thing to really do) except shop, cook or read perhaps. I did a lot of shopping at Walmart, it was close enough and I brought the instant pot and the Vitamix to make him food as he is worse than me with eating but is exerting himself physically and mentally every single day.

I had my first painting class yesterday and for some reason I couldn’t help but be a fucking weirdo. I just want people to generally stay away from me right now as I don’t think Denver is going to be the end all of the life I am hoping to set up. But then the other competing part of me just wants to prepare everyone for my temporary state here. Dramatic and stupid, sure, but I am just not wanting to scream out to everyone I am one and half feet into the grave already, so don’t expect me and if I die, oh well. But I think also on the other hand it gave me a realization I can turn into a goal–like I am definitely not living a long hearty life, but maybe a long hardy life. I don’t want to make any more friends because leaving sucks and I have done that enough, I figure I can just forego until the next time. The funny thing is I found myself explaining my failure of a life artistically and trying to excuse myself for spending the time doing it now, exclaiming a few times, I have the time, why not use it, but the point very much is I don’t have a lot of time. This is why I am in a mad rush to do all of the stuff I wanted to do in my life before I die. These include–art show, published book or pieces, sewing my own clothes, record a song or two, building something out of a few of my websites. And if time allows, a few other things, interior designer of my own house or bus home, the completion of a few inventions you shouldn’t just exclaim out here but I have had a LOT of ideas. I mean A lot of ideas. I still need to travel as well. And I am really trying my best to get the foundations to have this stuff go from idea into realization. Hence the painting sewing website building I am getting with now.

So I definitely realize I messed up and let the heart shit define too much of what I wanted to do. I realize right now I am trying to live the life I would have had had I not been struck with the bullshit. I suppose that’s a lesson I need to relay to the world. Don’t let bullshit out of your control define you. That it’s very easy to get lost in the unease and negativity of disease. That trying to get out of it is a process that can take longer than you want to sometimes. I suppose it’s a lesson I learned too late. I let so much of life’s disappointments define me–I really screwed up. So I am in mad rush to get other definition…and I fucking hope I can figure it out.