Sometimes shit gets out of hand, and sometimes you have no goddamn hope. It’s the way it is sometimes in this life and I am no stranger to the highs and lows. Certainly not everything has been shit, though outcomes sometimes tend to be, but I fucking try every day and I have been busting my ass for weeks working 6 days since he left that company. He found another job, in a different state, and I can’t tell you I am excited for that, as we are certainly in no position to move. So he will be gone and I will be alone, hiding out as I tend to do, and thinking since my check is basically 2/3 what is was with 25% gross taken out, there will be no extras. Not for some time until he gets paid. He is working on something so fucking amazing for our lives I cannot complain, and I wouldn’t anyways, because there is a lot to complain about outside of what work he does and where. The situation lends that solution because where he is working will be paying it forward for us, one can only hope. Like instantly being able to move to Hawaii later on, and possibly some other places in the world. But go fucking him. He is better than he thought, as I have told him, but it’s nice to get the forward movement of confirmation. He gets a stipend to live on, so that is why I am not going. Uprooting our life to work out of state is not a thing I want to do, but if it was a place I wanted to be, it would be different.

I cannot get out of the garnishment but oh well on that. What the hell am I to do? Just make it happen and let it go is what. Right now I do fear for not being able to make rent or have the internet shut off, but it is my birthday this month, so one never knows if a check might arrive, and that is the luck I am trying to manifest, which did work to a small tune of refunds on appointment costs sent back, postmarked today. I think I am going to be about $500 short on rent since he wont get paid until next month so if I could manifest double that, I would have food and a cushion to not freak out. So that is what I am working on.

I am tired and beaten up. I called out for the second part of the day–migraines, oh my god. I am already sad like he is gone, because life is a hard motherfucking thing and it’s been a while since we’ve had some positive movement. At this point it’s a bit different. I did make him watch that documentary about changing your mind on Gaia that helps you understand how your bad thoughts carve out bad outcomes and this is what happened within days of me showing him that. We didn’t even get through the whole thing and he finally starting seeing my point about attitude.

He’s just been around too many terrible people to know all the time who the best ones are. One thing I know is all the stuff I made him confront and do–from the resume service we paid for to the attitude shift, to the taxes I made him confront. I am a good goddamn influence on people I care about, and most people who know me know I am everyone’s biggest cheerleader. I like helping people and making a difference in the lives I can help–and I put everything I have into making the people closest to me know they matter and that I can try to help where I can.

I had a sad dream about Chloe, a retriever I used to know. Sad because we were friends once and I won’t likely see her again.

Beyond that I clearly cannot kill myself because he gets no money then. All these damn life insurance companies have that caveat. Whatever. I am doing really amazing in sales as of today in the top 3 of 25 or so and I am brand new. Who wants to book a vacation with me? Hmm. Not anyone I can think of, but I might be able to change that.

Who wants to help me redesign this place because it is old and it needs some help and help hiding. Anyone? I will pay. Honestly November it needs to happen. I need like 3, 4 revenue streams to not WANT to kill myself. Because wanting to and not being able to probably isn’t the happiest life. So cure the need and the outcome is unnecessary.