You know, the more I write the more I wonder why the fuck I am not writing more frequently, but also I notice some of the things I have written lately I have repeated in terms of sentiment and meaning. Always to help, never to hinder, anyone who knows me this is who I am–very concerned about everyone doing as well as I think everyone deserves to do. The advice below is perhaps a good overarcing of how to deal with shitty things that can happen to us. It has worked for me at points, but clearly I am not adverse to being human or admitting my own bullshit because I just don’t care enough about what anyone thinks to bother hiding. Anyways, check it out:

I think there are some things that make heart disease and all disease especially devastating to who we thought we were. We all had plans for other things for our lives and clearly your aorta exploding impedes a lot of facets and can leave people totally bewildered by their body’s betrayal of their own plans. Most people didn’t do years of cocaine to accelerate this, but everyone has lived their own lives regardless. I think it is hard to know who to blame because isn’t that always more comfortable anyways? I have found understanding that bad things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people and how we are measured is in how we handle the crisis of that sometimes. There are many bewildered responses I have gotten from loved ones and lovers over the years, but at this point I feel normal. I still do what I want to do, I can’t have children but oh well, worse things have happened to better people I figure so I just continue on as if I am anyone else, while clearly not looking that way in a bathing suit. 

My first dissection was almost 24 years ago now and I was a bit younger and got used to it and the certain realities it brought. I think a lot of things are mindsets and honestly–a lot of it comes down to recognizing it wasn’t your fault you were born with certain weaknesses. It affects every single facet of your existence and you can forgive yourself for that. I have had to forgive myself and everyone else around me a few times and nobody has been through every incidence I have had (half dozen or so)–not family because I practice a pretty freebird existence since all this shit went down and have moved at least a dozen times in 20 years. Hard to maintain the same circles that way.

Your own mindset about this and understanding your limitations are just what you were dealt in terms of cards but it doesn’t mean you still can’t have a good life. For me the burden has been on maintaining money because of the healthcare system in this country, some friendships, but life is a gorgeous thing and I think honestly–this life is the chance at heaven we are given and it’s a good idea to understand it is not your fault. You can try to eat well, do the things you should do (exercise, lose the weight if you have it on you, meditate) basically surround yourself with things meant to support a wounded spirit and try to understand it is nobody’s fault this happened ultimately. 

For me there are a lot of heroes here and in the world who never complained or felt sorry for themselves. I am NOT one of those people–I have been flat on my back, wishing to die, hoping that my aorta would rip me in half. I have wished to die on and off in recent years because of the pain and burden of this whole thing. But it’s always the smaller things that keep me going and the people around me and the absolute beauty in nature. Sometimes it is stupid stuff maybe even I just appreciate, but I figure when it’s my time, I will be gone, so I try enjoy what I’ve got while I still have the faculties to know. I have worked full time almost my whole life but again, my limitations were set young and I’ve not really broken them except moving some beer kegs I wasn’t supposed to–not everyone can work, that’s for sure, and it depends on the kind of work you do whether or not that is even reasonable to expect. Best thing is to absolutely appreciate the support you have around you–it is really key to have and don’t worry if some people get drained from it. Your job is to suck whatever joy and love out of the world you can muster, because this shit is lonely as hell and not always something you can talk yourself into–the acceptance. But again, best thing to do is understand shit happens and do what you can to keep going.

This doesn’t mean you won’t have your days where you’re pissed at the hand, and angry nobody around you really gets it. It doesn’t mean you might be jealous of other people and sometimes a little resentful of how easy other people seem to have it. But–maybe you were at nirvana when this happened and just let it flow through you like water, as some have tried to recommend to me. All I know is I have a few boulders still in the middle of my river I am always trying to negotiate around because–this shit takes time to get used to–for everyone it is from a this point forward thing so there are people in all phases. Clearly I have had a hell of a lot of time to think about this, so sorry for my especially florid response. <3

Basically, in conclusion–none of us could possibly expect to be the same version we were. We are new and improved internally, which is sometimes just physical–emotionally this is a practice we all have to practice every day.