I know I’ve sparsely written about this, but maybe I never really put it all in one place, boiled down and specific, worked through in even summary form for any of you to ponder.

So yeah, we all know I am sick, or I’ve been sick in the general and specific sense of one’s body defecting on itself and literally having my heart’s vessels tear and bubble up, and from having clots burst on my brain in what appear to be black, quarter-sized dots on my MRIs.

I’ve been “sick” like this, or affected like this, since I turned 19 in surgery the first time, some 20 or so years ago. We all know parts of the horror I experienced going through this, the hallucinations to the pain, but there were other things that came out of this I talk about, but really only to those closest to me because what the fuck, you can’t bitch all the time, right? I am sure I could, but ultimately what getting sick at that age did was cement the fact that I would not have anything. I don’t mean the things you can’t buy, like love or happiness–I mean the things you can, like the security of a home or property in its various forms, the security of knowing I could support a child. I knew I couldn’t because I know anything I have may be up for seizure due to my various medical incidents that I really have been on track to deal with every few years or so. If you have nothing, there is nothing physical they can take from you, so I never worried about having anything anyone would want. And ultimately, how fucking jealous are all of you of me anyways, right? What I have worth having is nothing you can touch…but there concepts of having things I can touch that would be cool. But ultimately, even if I can’t pay my bills medically, there is a reason I don’t have it because what the fuck can I do to pay off any significant medical bills, my salary hovering around $30k a year?

Now, everyone knows you cannot get preventative care in the emergency room, well a lot of people don’t know that, but though you may be able to score a few pills to cover your high blood pressure, you cannot get a surgery you need or the extensive testing that might keep you around longer. It doesn’t work like that. If you have heart disease or cancer, you have to have insurance to get the care you need, or there was a time when you could get Medicaid if you were poor enough but it seems those days are going as well. Chemotherapy is not free, heart surgery is not free, diabetes medication is not free, and if something happens to you and you actually have certifiable assets? Well kiss some of that goodbye…they can take what they owe if you have something to take, hence we rotate back to my you can’t take from someone who has nothing mantra.

As a person with an identifiable illness, I have always had to make sure I had the health insurance I needed in order to live, to get the testing and the medication I needed to not be a burden on those around me. Right now I have a discounted health plan to help cover the costs associated with my illness and its treatments but they always bill me for over what the insurer says I am obligated to pay, which means I throw the fucking bills away sometimes.

When Obama passed the ACA, it opened a door for me where I could go run my own business and buy my own health plan. Where’s the American Dream for me, since I was born with something I literally did nothing to cause or exacerbate? In fact I am healthier with one kidney than most with two and I am still walking and talking and exercising and having a lot of sex and still–still I have to worry again about getting back those lifetime limits, of having to die at my government’s hands due to sheer neglect. My freedom to get the same cost as everyone my age with a pre-existing condition is gone–why didn’t I do the ACA before? Because I knew they were going to be vindictive and take it away…and they did. It had its flaws, sure, but instead of improving it, they want to just tear it down and start over, because well, it has Obama all over it. I expected some streamlining and improvements, not a decimation of what is largely good policy with some definite tweaking needing done.

Trumpcare is a disaster for everyone, and their secrecy should say all you need to know about its intention and its expected effect. What the fuck America? What have you done? barf.