It seems there is something to be said of media poisoning…if you pull yourself off of it and don’t read anything, there’s a definite lack of litmus to really guage much aside from your own feelings about things. Nobody to like your perspective on things, nobody to commiserate or empathize or even argue with you. It is just you and what you know….and sometimes you don’t know enough.

Today I called my mother in Massachusetts, the one I grew up with, and found myself crying over how hurt I was about the world that is being fashioned around us. She made me feel only slightly better, and I told her I pulled myself off Facebook and so many other things…

What I did do the other day is order some books and played a scratch off lottery game–spending $20, winning $200, admittedly spending another $40 to win nothing so I stopped–you almost have to play scratch offs like I think you should approach all gambling, test the waters, if they are favorable, pocket some cash and walk away. I typically have feelings about these things which is why the night I won, I was drunk, well, admittedly drunk as I have been every night since the election, but I was drunk and feeling lucky…last night I didn’t as much which is why I should have taken that $10 and bought candy or something instead, not that I didn’t drunkenly buy candy anyways. I drunkenly bought a lot of candy in rainbow shades of sugar, and ate a lot of it, but not as much as I needed. Sometimes it feels like all the sugar in the world isn’t going to be enough to make it all better.

I think there is something to be said of starving yourself of passive outlets to be more productive in a larger sense. The last time I wrote casually even with any real frequency…was probably some of the livejournal years which were uploaded in…wait until I upload the deannadates in…those were fun, too. I suppose those were years in NY when I was flooded with inspiration and passion before I moved to the soul dry landscape that is Colorado, comparatively anyways. I cannot recall a time in recent history where I met anyone new who inspired me in any way, inspired me in any way to want to be better, to do more, or be a part of something. That is what I mean by soul dry–they may be out here, but there is no touching of souls going on too much. It is what hurts the most–to feel totally abandoned by reasonable people during this election. To feel suspicious. to not trust…not even just the people who voted FOR him, but the lazy intellectuals who couldn’t be bothered to vote. All of you deserve elements of my distrust. Or is it mistrust. It’s not trust, that’s for damn sure.

I have painted not much more than some family things over the past few years because in many ways I have been pacified, or povertized into sullenness…and feelings of ennui that have been paralyzing to great extents. But this is why I also played the lottery…anything. I mean ANYTHING is possible. America elected a man who we can now credit for the allowance of pussy on broadcast tv. If that guy can get elected, I can win the lottery and I certainly can get my other shit off the ground instead of just lying in an unfinished concepts heap like they currently lay. Paintings and tshirts and yes. STORIES dammit. Even a secret app/concept I am trying to build. The first thing I have to do to make this all possible is stop drinking myself to sleep every night at 6. By 8, 9, 10 I am down for the count. Down. I’ve got some time in December set aside. right now I am not working Thanksgiving weekend but I might change that due to money circumstances…that would also be a nice time to get shit done…but come on, we all will be drunk Thursday (Don and I in here, drunk alone for sure)–and the days that follow could lead to many different ends…

I have worked every Thanksgiving for YEARS–if not that day, every black Friday maybe since–2000? ….

Maybe I will save my favors for Kissmastime…

See, you get three. I know my readership has dropped off over the years…I promise there will be something more to chew on…more stuff to wander through here soon enough…