I’ve been looking at my current life condition, the quality of my life, and the condition of my affairs…and I realize something:

Money is the main and major obstacle between having what I need, and want, and doing without. For example, I collect $156.99 per week from the state of NY as my short term disability. Granted, this makes me eligible for medicaid and food stamps, and neither I would scoff at..but how exactly is one expected to live on $157 a week? I mean, sure, my rent is $600 per month, so I pretty much break even…but $30 a week in groceries and that amount paralyze me from paying any of my bills.

Enter my roommate, King of the Douchebags, who, upon being stressed about the calculations of bills, takes almost a year (since May of ’05 we have lived here) to calculate and tabulate the average and difference of Winter vs Summer bills. He hands me this spreadsheet last night, indicating, that to break even with him, and to pay the remainder of bills for pretty much the entire Fall and Winter, that I am somehow supposed to come up with an additional $440 a month, which includes the $140 per month bill totals. I am kind of flabbergasted not only by the total, but what the hell I am supposed to do to come up with it. Being a drug dealer, either through alcohol or actual narcotics, seems to be the only route to actually do well, to make enough in a reasonable time frame. Problem is, I still weigh 130 pounds, and my stamina is lackluster at best, and drugs, well I don’t really like them or the people they are directly associated with (the big dealers and all). And I would have a hard time selling anything other than g-rated mari juan a anyways (the gateway drugs, the major shit…). I’m a firm believer in selling what I know, and what I believe in…you know how it goes.

The $440 per month in addition to several thousand dollars in unpaid medical bills and almost $500 to what is essentially a frozen and dead bank account in need of repair before being reported to check systems pretty much paralyze me from actually doing well, or breaking even as they say. Never mind that I dreamed of a nice bicycle and laptop today…and I keep talking about wanting to live on my own. Never mind the frosting on top, I have a fucking cardboard cake to eat!

So what the hell do I do? Does anyone have any advice? I would surmise that actually making something from nothing is next to impossible. I play the lottery. I pray for not the million, but a slick $10,000 check to land in my mailbox courtesy of the lottery commission. I don’t need a lot, but I’m totally winging it right now, and it’s kind of scary.

Being in this condition is precisely why I want to beat the shit out of the rich people who say, “I’ve got everything I want and need but I’m still miserable…my ungodly sums of money don’t make me happy”. I want to rip those wads of money out of their dirty little hands, establish scholarship funds, build shelters, actually help people, and give them a purpose…This, of course, after zeroing out my deficits to life….my unpaid medical bills, my early mistakes, my current bills, my unfinished college education…all of it. It seems almost retarded that my breathing every day actually costs me money I don’t have…money that is hard for me to imagine having.

Imagine this post, after all of that positive stuff, bareling out of my brain. I want to be fluffy, to be fruity, to be a beacon of light in a pile of dirty diapers…but goodness. I wanted to be proper and never discuss finances again, but it is DRIVInG ME INSANE!

Oh well, oh well.