last night i sat waiting for e to return home from his travels, when i started doing my finances..and when i am saying finances, i am talking about how far i can stretch the $156 I take home every week from my disability claim in New York State.

see, my company wouldn’t pay for my claim as i got sick before 1 full year of continuous employment, and because i did not get the short term disability approved, i am not getting the long term i paid for either.

didn’t i used to work a few jobs? sure, but then i had to leave the day job in December in prep for these party time surgeries, and no bartending work in quite a while since i have some health conditions i discussed with my boss, who promptly dismissed me for reasons she never admitted to.

so yeah, as i am going through my finances, i realize something: i have to get food stamps.

i paid my march rent last week and i might have april saved up in two or three more weeks, but there is may and there is food and the fact i can’t pay any bills whatsoever for my apartment. but i have to have money to pay for dog food and medicine ($65 a month, but still) and my cell phone if the world wants to communicate with me…or I, it, for that matter.

so yeah, tomorrow i get to pull my pants down and get my $153 per month in food stamps. and then there’s the social worker. i will be applying for social security disability as well, but that takes like 6 months to come in. and i guess welfare in the meantime.

it’s funny. i used to have so much and i shared with EVERYONE. and if you knew me during my hey days at all you’d know I never ever held out. If I had something you did not and I could help you out or make it possible for us both to have a good time, I’d do it. Hell, I had fucking 7 people come in or out of my house at points, staying for free and never asked them for shit.

I’ll tell you something: I had this conversation today with someone who said I was a warrior, and warriors rarely had friends, because they always had their battle armor on, ready for a fight..and I realized this was true.

And I also realize i have complained in the past about not having money, but it was never one of those situations where I had a secret bank account full of hundreds, or thousands of dollars. I just always managed to eek by, living paycheck to paycheck, and now, well now I am fucked. And I have blown through any savings I had mustered in case of emergency. And I probably won’t be back to work until early Summer.

So what am I going to do? Get food stamps. I would love to be one of those people who had family to fall back on for everything. But my parents have been paying the $50 per month for my student loan and I will soon be asking them to help with my $100 per month health insurance my company will start collecting from me.

I guess the point of this is: when I am okay, when I have money again sometime in the summer, I will not be able to practice this sharing and caring anymore. I am going to squirrel it away like a psycho poor maniac. and believe you me, if i can survive on a salary of $624 a month, pay $600 in rent and somehow manage to save money for medicines and pay my cell phone bill while collecting cans, I will find a way to save every nickel possible.

Yeah.

On brighter notes, my healer is helping me because that’s what healers do. He hasn’t asked for anything. He’s just helping because he can. And he has already helped me reach a point of piece in just one session. he’s recommending some qui gong (sp?) or some exercise. he has also encouraged me to hug a tree. and given that i don’t really care what anyone thinks, that is exactly what i plan on doing…

somewhere where you won’t see me (HA).

be well, young kiddies. all will be awesome soon.