so somehow my neighbor has released his ban on having me attached to
his wireless network which means boatloads of fun, as well as catching
up on minimal posting for the past four months since I lost my access…
it always took something super special for me to post, something slick
or something even half-thrown together, since I literally had access for about an
hour at a time during the very sparse days of posting previous to
this….which means I can start posting my editorials and
observations again…and save my energy for topics really worth my time
(instead of dwelling on the jerks of 2005)….oh 2006, I know you
have so much in store for me…so many better things to come than the
little sludgy suffering of pretty much the ENTIRE year of 2005….I had
some of my best and closest friends turn into super hideous garbage
cans, I am now suffering from a degenerative blood
vessel condition (ie aneurysms) as a result of said event—they have
not constricted back down to normal size). All of my
relationships have upchucked or survived too many dramas to list or
exist through right now….
but look. look. look at me all the better for it. I traded in two
shitface friends and got a really old one back who meant more than
anything to me when I was a kid and in the formative, or deformative
years, call them whatever you wish.
i am actually trying to go through and survive with this mentality of
happiness right now. though yeah, a lot of the time I do sit around
watching law and order thinking…forget you god, you haven’t done anything
for me…why did anyone try to convince me you existed anyways…
apathy, pathetic, empathic, pukey. yeah, i’ve been all of these things.
sometimes i sit around existing, or as someone said to me once recently
“biding my time until I die”. no more of that.
but this is not a resolution or some cheap promise like that.
resolutions are lame: for people who couldn’t sustain any real change
so they set themselves up because everyone can feel pretty good being
united in their failure…and then the whole of society eventually
fails, but it’s pretty hard to feel bad when every single fool you know
did the same thing: tricked themselves into thinking they needed a
holiday to do it.
BAH!!!!
here’s to kissmas…uh huh.
i think i might have to share some kissmas love, since i’ve been
talking about the damn pictures for a long long time and never had any
chance to post them up at tall…at tall I tell ya.
January 12, 2006 at 12:43 am
..about Grace
this probably will be like “oh nice story”, but it reminded me of something my pastor was saying this past Sunday. (hi, glad to hear you are back, maybe we’ll get to know each other a lil more this time around, by the way)
so when my pastor was young, he wanted to have a healing ministry and he worked in the hospitals in his area. there was one particularly precious woman, he remembers. her husband was a mean old man and she was dying of cancer. she was nothing but skin on bones and she was unbelievably faithful to Jesus. pastor (bob) and a fellow pastor would go to her and pray almost an hour a day, pray for God to heal her, expecting that if all three of them asked God for healing, He would do so faithfully. So they prayed and prayed and for months, she continued to get worse. P Bob started to get agitated and saddened and then anrgy that such a faithful, kind woman who loved her husband as if he were a good man and loved God with all her heart and soul, no matter what the circumstances, that God would let her die.
one day, P Bob went in determined and sat and prayed with her for almost three hours, He asked, almost demanded that God heal her and make her well again and if not that, then give him the pain that she endured, let him take on her pain and take it away from her. As he was leaving that night from the hospital, he and his wife were walking to the car and he was struck down to his knees in pain. He could barely move. His wife helped him to the car, inside their home and to bed as he wretched in pain – mind you, he is a young healthy young an with no health problems. He could barely talk, but with what words he could, he explained to his wife that he had done a very wrong thing. He had compromised his faith in God’s sovereignty and commanded God what he thought was best. So God followed through and did exactly what Bob had asked – Bob prayed in bed that night for forgiveness and mercy, that he now understood that God knew what was best and knew where He wanted this sweet lady to be. P Bob understood then what real Grace is – that this woman did not feel this kind of pain day in and day out because God gave her the Grace to live with the dis-ease in her body and by her faith, God was consistently able to stay near her and give that Grace to her.
I was struck by this story because I had never seen God’s Grace put in asuch a tangible light. There is more Grace going around than I think we realize. I’m sure God has grace pouring all over your life, no matter what your circumstance, you just gotta look to it instead of the chains that humanity puts us in.
xoxo, thought i’d share this with you.