I know I tend to trash bme sometimes, for it’s lack of integrity with some of the members here, but there are a few people who, for me, have always remained tried and true friends. Kelley and I met through bme chat almost 3 years ago, she the notorious Valkyrie, me anyone from kcid to my final settled name, deAa. We spent a good deal of time tearing up the chatroom and all the ill-feigned testosterone that seemed to pervade the space at that time. Somehow during that time, we ended up forming a friendship that continued on with visits, phone calls, and endless hours on chat.

Kelley was a fighter like you have never known, and she fought and conquered her obstacles, leaving them in a stacked row behind her. She talked a lot about her illness, and her writing and the things that were important to her. It’s funny that we met under the pretense of intense disrespect for the men that treated us badly, and she never found anyone to love her as intensely as she deserved, or as people like me and her other friends did. She loved her daughter and fought for her as the amazing mother that she was.

I’m sure for people who know her, and of her, you have seen me fight tooth and nail for her. I would never let anyone disrespect her because she deserved so much more; so much more than any of you will know. This was the only woman I have consistently and wholly respected, loved, and adored to the point of calling her my sister. She might have been difficult, her written tongue was sharp at times, she even might have been a bitch to you, but she was the kind of person we should all aspire to be; true, honest to herself, and honest to those around her. She was all Xena on the outside, but so much more soft on the inside.

When we were in New York she got excited about all these things; WE got excited about all these trips we planned. We spent so much time trying to figure out how to be there for each other; so much that she considered moving here, and I considered moving out there to help her out with Arielle. She talked a lot about people who failed her, both women and men, and I wanted to be there to help her out of it. I wish we had taken more pictures; we both kicked ourselves for it. But hey, why wouldn’t we think “next time”…

When I found out, it’s funny, but the first person I wanted to call was Kelley. She literally was the only one who would understand how I feel. Her mother said that she wouldn’t want me to go through this alone, and offered her shoulder to cry on. I think she wanted to know more about her daughter. She kept telling me she talked to her every day, and…I don’t even know. I just want to call her one more time. I just want to take back that laziness I suffered her by not calling sooner, kicking myself for my last conversation amounting to reccommending a book that would inspire her to do positive things through positive thinking. God knows all my positive thinking for her did not work.

For those of you who refused to know her either out of fear, or just plain ignorance, I feel sorry for you. Here was the most amazing woman, amazing friend, RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE…

We talked about death enough; I always had this insane fear of it. I never expected anyone would precede me there primarily because of my genetics. I told her I would let her know what else is there if I find out. Johnnie knew this and said that maybe she would let me know. I hope that’s true.

I love you, Kelley, and I am not getting used to this missing anytime soon.

Love forever, Deanna