Clearly I need to be banned from online dating.
I don’t even know what to say about it, except to say…one day you might read about it. I mean, I am telling you–my experiences literally run the gamut…and I have met 14 different men with 14 different stories, 14 different temperaments, 14 different ideas of beauty, 14 different sets of eyes focused on more than 14 different things, 14 dudes is my dating record…record uh-huh, Denver, over the past 4.5 months. And before you get all judgmental, let me just tell you most (but not all) of these guys I met only once (and the ones who I have seen more than once are good guys, friends, so shush). This is the girl who literally had sex with only 2 men while I lived in NY single for almost two years and one of them doesn’t even live in this country (again I am not insane, so don’t think I went out sleeping with 14 guys, it would never ever ever happen-2 dudes in 2 years, think about those odds). I think I did tandem dating of maybe 9-11 different dudes in NY, but this was over 10 years ago now. I didn’t sleep with any of them, but I did have my fun…hmmm. I don’t even know what to say about how that went down. NY is a haze of namelessness and yes, faces I could probably sit in a room with now and forget how I knew them at all.
But Denver’s dudes are a little bit mundane in many ways. It’s hard to find someone who has a permeable edge, a place you can see and fall for because there’s something wonderful in there. It’s almost like everyone has this impossible guard up. Or maybe the altitude is killing your brain cells. This might also be because text to conversation translations are not as exciting in person once the person doesn’t have time to craft their words carefully. I mean, I largely don’t edit, because I like this stream of consciousness thought process. I still think in words and pictures. I think of how a sentence might sound, and this is why I get attached to words that help exercise the throat, coax with just a drop in volume…and words that exercise the head. With that being said, those of you who write me like that sometimes give me hope, almost trick me into expectation, but often fail when it comes down to it.
But yes, I have realized I have not dated or met this many men in such a short span of time in over 10 years. And maybe I am inherently a little more needy (gross, horrible word, I know) for human contact and conversation now than I was for some 10+ years in NY. I never had to bother with any of the bullshit of dating if I didn’t want to, and spent almost two years totally alone in NY–and here, here it’s a different story. I don’t have my friends to distract me. I have me. And well, a very select few of you guys.
14? Yes. (I forgot one friend I met, so it’s not 13, it’s 14, truthfully). And a good number apparently never met anyone from that site, or online period. I largely think I am a good exercise in getting to know someone online, but maybe I up the ante in some ways, too. I can talk to anyone, and those of you who know me know I can talk to anyone about almost anything, and though I definitely appreciate comfortable silences and don’t need to hear my voice or your voice all of the time to think everything is kosher, when something needs to be said, I say it. I also know that because I am a hot chick that doesn’t disappoint with my literal representation being so very different from photos, that you have to be aware that we all are judging books by their covers, that we all go looking to see if we want to see you naked. And most of the time if I write to you, I have already at least conceptualized it, but that’s because I am pretty sure I think that about most people I find attractive. And some who are not, because it is a natural thing to think about–sex, that is.
In any case–I feel like there is some magic key somewhere. That if I jump off that damn dating site that I might find someone organically, via the analog breathing fleshy moments that are largely misrepresented via these online methods. I am that kind of girl. I want flowers and dancing and bodies and sweat and touch. And though I could woo you and pull you in with my words maybe, I want your face in front of me, I want to touch your lips. I don’t want this screen in between me and the possibility.
And thank you Sam and Seth for being actual friends, not trying to pull rank or ask for favors because you treated me out for the night. I appreciate you that more than you know.
And the other dudes? Well there is a sweet guy who I met a few weekends ago who just moved who’s been reaching out to let me know he hasn’t quite settled. And then the deviant I met the other night I can say many things about, but settling is not one word I could ever associate with him, nor could I even suggest was on the market for the kind of relationship I am interested in, to be entirely honest.
The rest of them have their places, some of them were offensive and said horrible things to me about my scars and body (come on, you’re really not that shocked are you?), some of them had potential in words but their translation literally fell flat into a pit of blank, some got super pushy and drove me away with their clinging and complaining about my schedule to hang out with them not being neatly mapped out, some of them had fast-forwarded the relationship several years after hanging out with me once, never organically understanding who I was and what kind of person I really aspire to be, and the remainder were just not my kinds of guys. Not mellow enough, not smart enough, or literally not fast enough to ever keep up with me.
I am into something special, not ordinary. If you are a Republican your thought processes don’t mesh with mine. I am a ship that looks like it’s rocking sometimes a little too violently, but I always have a pretty easy time re-balancing myself out. My temperament is easy, it is literally impossible to offend me (think about watching someone recoil from your physical self, I dare say most of you would be offended. For me it’s about having an easy filter to pull out whenever I feel the need. I could give a flying fuck what you think of me).
I know what I want. I want someone who is independent but not to the point of absolute selfishness. I want someone who is funny and engaging and can hold a conversation for more than five minutes. I want someone who expresses himself in some way creatively, not necessarily for a career but can think abstractly, someone who can appreciate art and music on some level at least—and someone who is sane enough to recognize that you do need to make money some way to survive. I want someone who is going to make me want to crawl on my hands and knees and out the window with their touch. I want someone who is bigger than me, who can make me feel safe both emotionally and physically. I want someone who might be open spiritually but is in touch with reality…I want to be with someone who likes to dance, cook (I didn’t say good cook or good dancer, just be open to it), who likes to run around, someone who is spontaneous and doesn’t always depend on me to navigate the ship, someone just as comfortable hanging in as they are being social. I would love someone who has a connection to nature but no heavy irrational refusal to visit a city. A person familiar with notions of wanderlust, curiosity about the world around them, someone who isn’t dumb enough to think they know everything there is…because to me that indicates a lack of willingness to learn or appreciate anything new. And if you can’t do that, you can’t appreciate me.
And on that note let me disclose something. I take medication for my blood pressure and to regulate my heart rate, but I have never had to depend on chemicals to find a good reality of balance and happiness. I am way too self-aware to need that type of therapy. And though I have seen therapists in my past for a month or two to assuage the fears of my family after going through so many near death experiences, I have found I am too smart to get anything from them, because though I don’t always know the solutions to my conundrums, I know what they are. And though I would be lying my face off to ever say I had never hated and been angry and resentful of my predicament (I am not one of those superheroes) while the rest of you frolic carefree through life, I definitely am a way more open and giving and loving thing than you think. I want people to find their bliss, their happiness, their purpose. I’m getting closer to finding mine, too.
I also want to feel like I am living the dream, that I actually just get paid for doing what I want, for being happy. I am happy because that is what I have chosen to be in my life. It is a choice you can make almost daily, and there is no other reasonable choice for me right now. I hate sinking into pity, and though the orchestrations of my own little pity party might have been murmuring in the background in the past, I can readily admit I know I am the only one who can motor me out of this mire. And for now?
Now let’s just say I need to navigate away from those ideas, in-a-net dating and meeting. 14 dates potentially going nowhere just means my standards have upped. I am almost an equal opportunity dater because I will go meet almost anyone who has a pinch of charm or something to say for themselves. But I am not going to sell myself short. Not happening. If there is nobody I can tolerate for more than one or two dates because they are somehow too pushy or too vacant or vapid to get anything, well fuck it. I am good. I won’t settle.
And that is my last mention of Denver online dating for a while…I need to get outside in the flesh and remember that my penchant for analog over digital, hands down, always wins.
August 8, 2011 at 5:15 pm
And before you all get all crazy thinking, Jesus, what on earth is this girl doing? Let’s just think about the population at large. There are literal millions of people out here in the world—testing the waters with 14 of them is really no big thing. And though I am sure some of you might be scratching your heads thinking “how on earth did she do that?”—Well, I am sorry. I’ve got skills. Someone should hire me as their salesperson since I am so good at selling myself I’ve pulled all ranges…from bankers to pot growers out of my pocket with this venture.
But seriously, though I am secretly wanting to pull my hair out with this whole admission, I am just happy I am not that 21 year old girl anymore…you know the one who grew up so ugly that anytime anyone wanted to pay attention to me, I just ate it up. I had no standards. My standards were largely sitting on the shoulders of those who would look twice at me. Because when you grow up thin and lanky and permed and full of acne…you don’t get used to the attention. In fact sometimes I look in the mirror now and see that girl underneath…and though she is long gone, her armature is still intact under my skin.
August 9, 2011 at 12:22 am
Deanna,
I joined that online site in May. I was prodded to try it by a few couples who have had success with online sites. Also one of my friends in NJ pretty much challenged me. He had asked for advice on his profile, not liking what I had to say, he dared be to do better with a profile of my own. So now there I am on that site. It’s been an experience so far, that’s the best way i can think of at the moment to describe it. I’ve met 3 people in person form the site, only 1 went past the first date not much farther. The 3rd, last week, I’m still wondering if she ever read my profile at all. Maybe i should give it a few more dates before I really judge. Still I’m not really sure the in-a-net dating site as you call it, is the right place fore me. I’m not great at selling myself online , it always felt a little awkward. I’m much better at in person meeting, although that dating wasn’t going all that well prior to joining the dating site.
Maybe I wasn’t approaching it the right way. Dating when I was younger was easy. I was a bartender, I met girls all the time, dated a few, and even made a few good friends. I wasn’t single most of my NJ/NY time, but now I’m here and in my mid-late 30’s. Should dating be this tough. Maybe this is dating in our 30’s. We know what we want and need from out date, lover, possible significant other, I didn’t know that when I was younger. It sucks that Denver’s guys cannot handle an attractive, strong woman who knows what she wants and says what’s on her mind. I always thought guys here were more open minded. Apparently not, it sucks that i’m part of that pool. I’m not naive enough to think I’m the most enlighten guy in town, but I do think about this stuff. Oh and you mentioned Denver guys as mundane, I should probably fight you on that, but I know there is a different mindset out here. Maybe that’s the issue,it’s not just about the person or people we date,it’s about where they are from. I often think about what if I was still out East, would I have better luck, maybe I should be in LA or Boston, hell maybe even London. I don’t know where the answers will come from. I’m here for know, so I’ll keep trying, but I think I’m going to do the offline dating from here on.
James
August 9, 2011 at 6:32 pm
James,
Online dating isn’t all bad, at all. In fact if I rolodex through the men I have been involved with over the past 12 years…I can say the majority came through online means: one was a photographer I met modeling online, one saw my photo on myspace and proceeded to woo me, one was responding to an ad I put up on craigslist looking for employees. I can say that over that 12 year span of time in NY that I was with people in committed relationships for maybe 8, and these guys took up maybe 6.5 of those years…
I really should just post my piece I wrote about it for you guys to read…my online dating in NY was actually some of the stuff I’ve written about most formally.
What I’m saying is though I hate that it is this way, I feel like people are navigating largely away from in person touch and contact and relying solely on their little machines to navigate socially–think about what I am even doing. Looking for friends with the possibility of something working out…killing two birds with one stone, getting friends and maybe someone who’s meant to be more all in one fell swoop. But it is the internet. I just wish people here weren’t so damn shy. It’s like you know if there was a way to text you as you walked by and say something sweet and not have to approach someone physically the first time that dudes would be all over it. You have traded your real balls in for digital ones, the ones that give you ranting strength sometimes, the ones responsible for your actual projection, the ones which sometimes even seem to sink and recoil from too much online rambling and meandering that you forget how to talk at all. It annoys me that people don’t know how to talk, let alone write anymore. I have a serious problem with people who can’t type out you, though u is just so much simpler. Then again it’s probably the people so attached to their machine life, this alternative reality, this space in between living life and watching it unfold. They are constantly connected, by phone, by hand held computer, by always being on call, unable to shut it down for even a minute, preparing for that just in case situation that all of us know happens so rarely that giving yourself a break from the connection is not all bad.
I bartended for ten of those years in NY as well…I know how it goes to be a bartender but my rule after my first job was no customers or coworkers. And I never really broke it after I realized dating the head of security and the actual manager from a big club at the exact same time was probably not the best idea I ever had. Of course the best part was they both knew about each other but thought they were the only one of them that knew. I really came into my own bartending, and then I was all of 23. What else are you supposed to be at 23 but a total trainwreck? haha. Yeah, but I learn my lessons quick, so none of that happened after that. If I was single but was a bartender, it would have been no holds barred though–that was not something that really happened for too long at a time, and never long enough to release the hounds..
Dating in your thirties and up is different because you are not a malleable young thing actually going through full development in the relationship. The core of you is largely solidified, and although hopefully you are open or flexible to learning new things, who you are at the core is who you are. Some people who date and get married in their 20’s seem to sometimes wake up one day and recognize that they maybe didn’t know who they really were, and they have just fully evolved and developed into their core while inside the relationship. So of course they are busting at their wings to break out–they just found out they had them at all.
The other thing is this, there is no way in hell I would have had 14 dates in a few months if I was just outside traipsing around expecting it would happen. I ride my bike and walk around my neighborhood and Wash Park all of the time. I was approached out walking only once by a dude visiting his sister from out of town…he was interesting enough to talk to, but I kind of wish I could be walk-stalked by someone I would want to be approached by, who might help me fight my mundane judgment of your fellows. The actual one non-internet/organic date I had was with someone I spoke with working at a place I frequented in the evenings…but I had to have like 6 conversations before that happened. And no, nothing is going to ever come out of that. So that’s 15 dudes I’ve gone out on dates with. Haha, I really hope I don’t have to test out the 1 in a million theorem. I have no energy to deal with that.
Eh, those cities you have listed all have their charm in some ways–I just prefer to stick close to the biggest natural water resources. I am thinking long term big picture stuff in regards to just survival even. Shit can hit the fan at any time…everyone just has to look around to see how delicate the balance all is.
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Don’t give up, but definitely just keep talking to people. Dare I say most women would sooner expect to fall over dead than someone have the balls to strike up a conversation with her the majority of the time these days.
And thanks for writing again!