This goes with exception to today’s debacle, which in its entirety blew from start to finish. And I swear to god, or to my dustbuster, that this is seriously the common denominator between me being able to continue on in any kind of successful fashion, and being flat as a board broke. The. damn. tooth. again. This was the one which was repaired 6 months ago with a temp filling because spending two grand on one tooth is kinda insane, no? So the tooth with its retarded almost to the day minimum shelf life existence, has decided to freak out and start throbbing like something(S) wanted to erupt from my gums. My blood pressure was through the roof given I was in so much pain I picked the phone up and called my mother in Massachusetts for help, sobbing,  looking for some kind words, some help from one of her sisters. She did help, actually, and had tried to call her sister but did not reach her. So I mentioned to Babs that she should call the dentist office three blocks away, given my life’s tendency is to really screw with my teeth before I am really ready to do anything. Either way, I do know that shelling out $1800+ for one tooth is kinda crazy. And annoys me more than I can possibly say.

The other thing I can say about the pain party is this. The dentist did say to me, “wow, how long did you have that in your mouth hurting?” I told him it had been several weeks, but the worse pain came yesterday and of course today, that I had decided I was going to use the other side for my mouth exclusively until I got a job with insurance. I felt like the pain I was crying my face off about earlier was completely justified when he said, “yeah, no, that abscess is big and right near the nerve on your tooth. I am surprised you waited that long. I can’t even work on you for at least five days.” Legitimized by that? Yes, yes I was, given being the asshole who always has some body ailment is not a cool thing at all.

So the Tai Chi and yoga routine have to start sometime after I get this tooth of mine fixed. Apparently the dentist felt obliged to boast to me that he could get the root canal done in 40 minutes, then walked over to the receptionist’s office to quote me some $800+ bill just for that ($20+ a minute? Yes, I guess so). And then another grand or so to do the crown and post. Some unfunny times for sure.

I do realize I cannot be this meta complainer anymore. How aggravating would it be for you to be involved with someone who complained about everything physical? I am not even talking about the involved exclusively in a romantic sense, but also in the friend sense. After a while people just have to be like, I don’t know what to say. I mean. I don’t even know what to say, and I wouldn’t know what to say in those situations. Except I can say with absolute conviction that vicodin saves lives. True story.

Ha. Yes. So that is part of this whole upheaval. Seeing only the good in things. Seeing the great in things, in people in situations, avoiding the physical acknowledgment of my pain, which might paralyze its meaning in my life. And though I know I am not done being disappointed yet, that there are people out there who would appreciate knowing me.

And to them, I say, hey, drop a girl a line. I see that you guys are reading me, well at least a few are reading me. Say hello, quietest of you. Nothing crazy, just a reminder it is not all bots who peruse my world. And yes, tonight is the night of starting the 2000+ entries—some of which might overlap with this journal and I will entitle those bm blogs, but they will be slow going given I have to copy and paste the whole thing because it’s a really old setup where we had to use our own html code to write anything. Funny things. Lots of photos. Cute stuff. But I will readily warn any of you who are easily offended to avoid the bm blogs entirely. (2000-2003 I think exclusively with much sprinkled throughout). Just trust me on that.

And while I was perusing, I did find this from over ten years ago. Kind of super appropriate:

the complexity of my emotions..this in motion
2000/12/10 15:11

the flooding of this, heart swept, beatings
the pulsing of the flood
my heart feels close to the explosion
and the piercing of the stabbing, pains
extend down to that frequence in birth

I am killed each day to wake up again
fresh blood spilt
seen this in rivers
crismatic, not scared or sad
broken
simplified into the feelings I send you across these tired meadows
sick of the tearing
my flesh from bone
I prepare these
like women prepared their dead,
shrink-wrapped and tied with sympathy twine

my pains ease the carrying of the weight to continue on..
shattered, my reflection in mirrors
the victory lies in the smiles that seep from the corners of my mouth
and the kisses that have yet to be stolen

needless to say, I don’t feel as hot as I would like…the skies extend to grey and the temperature matches the rhythm…I am going to the city now and will explain this mind later…(don’t think I ever did)