Huh, and wow. I have been in some kind of weird quasi weird land, navigating this idea of having a family being so in my face and unavoidable that I really am still a bit uneasy in certain situations, namely speaking up for myself. I realize I am a grown woman and this should not be the case, but I really am in a weird position lately, having to depend on everyone for everything from taking me to the store to driving me to get food to helping me furnish my apartment, to then hang out with me because at this moment I really have nobody. I mean, yes, I do have them and they definitely aren’t going to just let me flounder out here, but I am lonely as hell. I miss my friends. I miss that companionship. I miss stupid stuff like being able to take the subway anywhere I want to go at any point. Right now I am at the mercy of whomever has the vehicle to get me where I need to go or whomever wants to see me, but that has to change very soon or I am going to lose my mind. It’s beyond needing a car…I mean, sure I need a car and I will get one, but right now I am trying to figure out my home and what to do with it and maybe meet a person or two who could assist with this insane loneliness that hits me when I am in the midst of my family, and especially when I realize I have all of this and nobody to share it with easily–every other time I have moved it’s been with someone else in mind somehow. Even when I got the last place in JC with the backyard, I had Lisa. Lisa now has nothing to say to me and has not reached out to me once. It’s cool, it’s good. But it hurts.

The thing with having a swank place and the ability to make it your own is the fact that I can actually make it a little girly if I want to–because I have nobody to answer to but me. And anyone with any criticism can walk right out the door. Every other time I have instigated a large move I worried about making it too anything for fear of being offensive or driving the person (I mean man) away. This time I have thrown EVERYTHING out aside from some clothing and a few little trinkets. I bought new glasses, new silverware (where the hell that went I don’t even know), new little trinkets and colored glass vases and I even have a 12 person set of Noritake China I got from an estate sale here for less than $0.50 an item (they call the print Melrose, very deanna, actually).

But here I sit amongst my things and I am making this place the kind of living space I have always wanted but never got because it was cost prohibitive over there to even consider having anything the way I decided things should be. I told them all I felt like I was getting married because I am getting all I ever wanted because, let’s face it, me getting married would be bizarro and I can’t even imagine being asked. Everyone is too progressive to consider being with anyone for more than a short span of time, and given my circumstances, I am a hard, if not impossible, sell. So I decided, forget it, I am doing it all the way I want. There is no reason to wait for later or the “right time” because I will die lonely and angry if I think waiting for any of that is going to make a difference. And hey, if nothing else, this perpetual idea of man should be happy I didn’t wait around for his invisible ass to raise a hand to help me get what I desired (and no, this has nothing to do with anyone specific at all, so don’t search for meaning where there is none).

Huh. I realized I will never go back to that life because even in my absolute exile from my friends and familiarity, it’s a life that is impossible to live peacefully and happily. And I’ve been far too unhappy for far too long to give in to the stress of the east coast mentality and functionality. I taste my days as they pass…and even on Saturday nights like tonight when I realize I have me really at the end of the day—I’d rather sit here in loneliness than drown in a sea of millions of faces and never be seen or heard.