I just got hit with this sudden chill, a whisper, that things are gonna be
fine today
what does it mean when someone is “there” for you?
I have literally a laundry list of people who have come to me for one
reason or another, and I have held out my hand in assistance, in aid,
a lighter existence, worries shed to the side, put off for a while
so you could just breathe breathe breathe in clear and deep breaths
this was aid given in the form of a constantly open ear, an open hand
a shoulder to cry on, and and my home which I have opened like 10 times
over the past few years, some strangers, some not, and yes, money handed
over with no questions asked,
did I ever ask for anything in return? No. I did not, and although I realize
then, that it is wrong because it was unconditional, I find it odd and
irritating, rather
that people can be so rude as to not return a simple phone call
because mostly, and almost entirely, a friendly voice is the best band-aid
to any conflict wrought in my heart
today’s are physiological and snippy yes, my feelings
but I really am undone with this lack of give
and I say this, it would really be unfortunate for me to shed my giving
ways and stop talking to people when they speak to me, and just remove
all of the hard fought good in me because people are just soul sucking
takers
takers
takers
oh well. watch me ignore all of your calls from now on.
see how you like it..and no, this is not to anyone “specific” but a general
rule.
December 18, 2004 at 12:08 pm
I agree with you wholeheartedly. I don’t understand it. I really don’t.
December 18, 2004 at 2:20 pm
You can still be giving and protect yourself. Try to establish your boundaries and stick to them. If someone crosses them “mistakenly”, even after you’ve let them know what they are; remind them… But if they keep crossing them it’s either NOT by mistake (dangerous, i think – they are probably consciously using you), or they are, for whatever reason, incapable of giving you what you need and very much deserve – respect.
I’m glad to see you are taking care of yourself. Try to treat yourself like your most treasured friend… When I’m able to do that, it seems to help me.
Be safe,
Sandy
December 18, 2004 at 2:23 pm
Btw…
Maybe it’s just me… but I STILL don’t see the “bitchy”
Maybe I’m just not looking hard enough ;^)
December 18, 2004 at 3:04 pm
Re: Btw…
Your game is over now.
February 8, 2005 at 11:51 pm
++FYI++
The only games being played was (is?) by you – for me, a game I may not survive! As a reality check, I gave my therapist some of your emails, and she did not see a FRIENDS responses to me; but instead an attempt at keeping me “hooked”.
How is this bad? You, UNSOLICITED BY ME, gave me your personal info. You KNEW I was alone for almost 13 years (at that time) AND that I suffered from suicidal depression AND that I had a history of severe child abuse INCLUDING sexual abuse; yet you had no problem stringing me along – having me believe you actually wanted a genuine friendship with me – for your own $elfish reasons. It could be that it just didn’t occur to you that ANY of this could be harmful; but I simply can’t buy that from such an INTELLIGENT person as YOU.
Btw, I was NEVER IN LOVE with you. I KNOW the contents of my correspondence to you had NO such pronouncements in them – either directly stated or implied. I can only think that you have either lied about this for your own warped reasons or where completely deluded about how I saw you – I suspect it’s probably a bit of both. After all, if you were so bothered about my being IN LOVE with you, why would you end your last few emails (before your hostile tirade started) with “I look forward to hearing from you again.”??
Oh yes, and then there’s the question of Niki. You DO remember Niki don’t you (my reference)?? Since I ended up caring for her more than you, following YOUR line of thinking, I must have been CRAZY in love with her. NOT!!! Unlike you, she was NEVER hurtful. In her continued correspondence with me, she treated me as a friend. She showed me the respect a human being – ANY human being – deserves. She left me with dignity, while YOU did your best to take mine away.
As for the more recent crap: that was/is part of my own admitted afflictions triggered by your attempts to cause me pain (admitted: in response to your venomous attacks and in pain filled pleas for you to stop, I TOLD you about my difficulties – don’t EVER say you didn’t know!!!)! Hell, even AFTER I told you that you scared me with your attacks; and that I no longer felt it was healthy for ME (considering your abusive emails) to continue our correspondence; you TOTALLY disregarded my STATED attempt at establishing a boundary and CONTINUED your attacks.
I suspect that you didn’t/don’t like feeling DISSED or DISMISSED (especially by someone as pathetic as ME – at least in your eyes), that’s probably why you DID NOT respect my CLEARLY STATED wish for YOU to stop corresponding with ME. You dismissed my pleas and attempts at reason as so much “spew”age flooding your inbox. You CONTINUED to try to cause me as much pain as possible – again, AFTER I had asked you NOT to contact me again. UNENDING PATIENCE MY FUCKING ASS!!!
What was triggered was a terribly painful, suicidally depressive psychosis based on guilt and pity (once again, contrary to what may be your own narcissistic[1] beliefs: NOT romantic love). Ya, pity!! Though I preferred to view it as compassion, however misplaced. It was the least insulting word of the 2 synonyms. Yes, even THIS you can not HONESTLY deny. Once again, I TOLD you what dynamics YOU were setting in motion with your bitter accusations and insults! But I guess you were to busy dismissing my anguished pleas for reason and civility as so much nonsense coming from a “sick” fuck! Or maybe you really didn’t care what effect you had on me; hell, the more pain the better. Right?
Again, let me be VERY clear about my suicidality – so there can be absolutely NO doubt. It was your ABUSE of me that was a trigger – again, NOT your ridiculous claim of romantic feelings for you on my part. To me, you are just one of the too many abuse victims I’ve encountered that have given in to their abusers by becoming one themselves. You are now, by YOUR own choice, just like your abuser(s).
By facing you as an abuser, I am saying, ENOUGH LIES!! YOU HOLD RESPONSIBILITY HERE!!! I will no longer take responsibility for what I have NOT done! I WILL NO LONGER BE SHAMED!!!
One last thing. DON’T respond to this with anymore of the lies you’ve already spread about me. I trust you will respect this, my final wish?
[1] Do bone up on your psychiatric knowledge.
February 9, 2005 at 6:04 am
Re: ++FYI++
Dear Sandy,
I am going to say this once and only once:
It is not me who has been “following” or “persecuting” you. Quite the contrary. Over the past two years, you have repeatedly followed me through the internet.
I have repeatedly changed my email addresses, blocked your email addresses, deleted your emails, and/or responded to your emails with (occasionally hostile) requests for you to stop contacting me. Why occasionally hostile? Because you still haven’t stopped contacting me.
You have repeatedly *sought me out* on the internet. And yes, I made the grave mistake of giving you some of my personal information. However, you are the one who has used that information to repeatedly track me down and initiate contact with me—against my wishes.
You have appeared in my email inboxes (unsolicited, on my birthday, among other occasions), in chat rooms, on websites, forums, etc. that I frequent. You have repeatedly changed handles, changed aliases, changed emails, and, to cite a very concrete example, changed Livejournal accounts for the sole purpose of concealing your identity in order to more effectively continue to stalk me.
Yes. Stalk. That is precisely the word for your activity.
When I have taken steps to remove you from my life (such as repeatedly requesting that you stop contacting me, blocking your emails, blocking your user accounts, disabling anonymous posting on my journal, and locking my journal into friends-only mode) you have repeatedly violated the boundaries I have established by doing things such as infiltrating the journals of my ex-partner, my friends, and my acquaintances. In other words, you have made indirect attempts to maintain contact with me via third-parties.
You have done this in a very deliberate, calculated, and concerted manner.
It takes effort to repeatedly conceal and change one’s identity, to repeatedly use someone’s personal information to track and follow them through cyberspace, and, most of all, to repeatedly attempt to access that person through third-parties (ie- their friends) unbenownst to them.
I say this once and only once. If you contact me so much as one more time, either directly or through a third party, whether via email, Livejournal posts/comments, or any other means technologically or otherwise available, I will file a restraining order against you.
Just to make sure that I am being perfectly clear here: if you even so much as respond to this comment, I will file a restraining order against you.
For the last time, Alessandro Montini: leave me alone. Cease contact with me.
Thank you.
February 9, 2005 at 4:07 pm
Re: ++FYI++
Oh Jesus Christ
I have no idea what spawned this except my sitting on an email you sent me recently regarding a plea for help that I don’t have the ability to give. Not because I don’t want to, but because I inherently become everyone’s fuc king psychiatrist (and for obvious reasons) and I realize that I need to stop giving so much of myself to people who I do not have a long term reciprocal investment in. Not to downplay your existence as a human being, but I am simply too small to spread myself as thin as I have in recent years.
As far as all of this is concerned, I applaud your efforts at trying to confront “an abuser” but I simply do not see the point in it all. As far as I understand this is residual shit from an incident where you admitted to me that you inappropriately confronted me and friended me because of Valerie, not because you stumbled upon my page accidentally. Given that I knew who the fuck you were beforehand, I called Valerie with my knowledge when I first realized you had materialized into my world in the flesh. Because she is so busy kicking ass at school, she was unable to respond in a timely matter, something I do not fault her for simply on the premise that I, too, suck at reciprocal communication unless the person is a part of my daily reality, as in having business with me or being in front of my face.
Whatever happened before all this shit went down is really not my concern. Whatever leading on that you think Valerie did was probably a mark of good salesmanship because the Valerie I know is certainly not as calculated as that to further entrench herself into someone else’s abusive state of mind.
Look, I am sorry you hate yourself, and I am sorry that whatever fascination you have with Valerie or the people around her is unrequited. I am sorry you were abused and haven’t found your salvation in what is as “wide-reaching and soothing as finding God, or Jesus”, or whomever you see protecting you. Most people jumping on that box would just assume that God was going to take care of them, so this all does seem redundant and unnecessary.
This is in no way projected to me mean, derogatory, guilt-inspiring or negative. It is quite the contrary. I suspect that by both of you unwittingly agreeing that neither one of you really wants to have anything to do with the other should be a simple solution. Don’t fucking talk to her, and I am sure you have witnessed repeated ignorances to your advances in that matter. If this is done, all will be fine, and you will be able to push aside whatever ill-will or resentment you feel at not having your existence vindicated in the world of Valerie.
I for one, am sick of seeing people kick and abuse her while she’s down, and pretend that they didn’t do a fucking thing. Very fucking sick of it.
And I will fight to with my teeth in my fingerbones to protect her at whatever costs. Do not ask me to do this again.