So after my post detailing how snuggly and delicious it is to sleep with my dog…I got the phone call yesterday afternoon–the one you always think you might get, but push out of your mind. At her age she was up there, but to just up and die without me there just feels so incredibly wrong.

I’ve been in the NYC area dealing with some unemployment stuff…they had sent my letters to my old address which was housed in their city office…though the state does know I don’t live there. So, effectively giving me difficulty for something I did not do wrong and causing me to be away from my pup for 10 days only to have her die makes this whole lack of money thing not a lesson I need to learn this way. I always get those lessons in THE most ridiculous packages. Like, oh, you don’t learn it like this, oh no, let’s just level you to make sure you have learned it the correct way. No DOUBTS, period. Granted money drama is something we all deal with, but if I had not been in this particular financial conundrum I would have been there for her, and I would not be feeling quite so terrible and guilty now.

Yes, she had a long life, lived on a farm at least for 3 months…but there is something wrong about all of this. Though it’s effects on me have reminded me I am really actually terrible with death. I don’t know how to react to it. Don’t know what to say. I have had one good friend die, and my job at the time would not allow me the time to take off to go to the funeral, so really, no. And moving 2000 miles away from your family means funerals don’t come easily, at least for my family. So I have been to a very small handful, and so long ago now it doesn’t seem real.

It’s awkward and the emotional positions you are put in by addressing it are not exactly easy to digest either. I got some coaching from a few people but all in all I just kind of want to have my time and not talk about it for now. I’m much better at internalizing conflict and this kind of stuff than running around talking about the intricacies of this emotion or that with whomever wants to say anything.

The thoughts that keep running through though: I hope she wasn’t in pain. I hope she didn’t think I wasn’t coming back. I hope she wasn’t too lonely, or cold. I hope she knows that not one single person, man or woman, stuck around for me like she did. Granted the lack of verbal conversation makes her an easy one to get along with…but now my bed is really cold, and it looks like it’s gonna stay that way.

Back in 2000 I walked by this record store on Jersey Avenue and saw her head through the glass and went in to pet her. They had found her on the street the day before crying covered in ticks and they had let her stay in the shop but she cried all night. So I offered to babysit her for a night, and G let me keep her so she was mine for the next ten years. G is going to be the one at the end of the day putting her body back in the ground, so I guess that circle is complete…she was of course always happy to see me, only wiggling that tail, always bouncing around and though I don’t know why she decided to just go with no warning…maybe it was the best thing. No suffering, no long torture, no pain, I mean, I hope. And though I will not exactly be able to forgive myself entirely for being away because of dollars..or for thinking she was cold and alone…I hope she knows I loved her.

RIP Asa. The best boyfriend/bestfriend/bed warming girl on the planet.