Girl,

You did it again. I swear it would be fantastically amazing and unique to have the ends justify the means. One day, right? ha!

I went up to Canada…fell in love, and now I am back, smashed to the ground and my own reality. I think in a lot of ways what I do falls just short of sabotage. I feel so much and want to share so much that I end up sharing me in hopes that it might mean more than it ends up meaning. Which is a sad and wretched thing. I spent a good deal of the past year alone and even when I have been with people (and not in the biblical sense, come on now)–but even when I am with people I poison myself with my own mind. I am a product of insanity twisted into uncertainty–my time growing up and silenced voice did a lot of shaping of what I tend to do in uncomfortable situations–looking looking looking for something something something. Just watching and observing the ebb and flow of people.

I took a giant leap of faith going there, and though I was a slight sick and cranky (grounds for destruction in and of itself)…I let it flow the best way I knew how. I catapulted my heart and feelings, sending it shooting right over the border to land in a happy place called Toronto with someone who was just EASY to deal with, a kind and gentle soul who talked a lot about love…but hasn’t responded to any of my own inquiries into “how it went.” I understand–you boys can go only so far before it becomes a situation of pulling the hooks from your heart, which you can readily do with a bit of muscle, and some feigned ignorance of our existence, you know how it goes.

At the end of the day our fairy tale brains as women can get us into trouble…especially if they work like mine. I guess I thought it would be like…running through the airport and leaping into someone’s arms–which I was shier to do and at this point feel better not having done in some ways. I wanted some of the beauty that came out of his mouth online and via the phone shooting in my direction to manifest in a way that couldn’t be taken back. To physically manifest… Granted he did stay with me the entire 6 nights I was in the room. And I am no jerk but I am certainly not perfect. I just would hate to be victim to politeness–it would have been easier to just go alone and tool around Toronto on my own after a certain point if it all just meant nothing.

But I don’t know what to do. And I wonder why it is I didn’t discuss with him what expectations we had with each other before, during and after. I just threw caution to the went and went…no plan, no preconceived notion (though falling for him was something that was easy because he was easy). But I wanted the disclosure…the utterances and promises that this would not have to be like this if he wanted me around. But I wanted him to tell me he couldn’t live without me, didn’t want to live without me…and even knowing I am literally one in a million–it’s not a consolation prize. It just makes me feel sad, empty and alone. Did I expect him to ask me to drop everything and come be with him. Eh, maybe I did. But even my rational…I mean romantic brain is not so short-sighted to think that would really happen. But one of these days maybe something really romantic and pretty will happen like that and I will feel safe, somehow.

At the end of the day I just want to be appreciated–I have a brain…and that is what I should focus on honing. Forget it. I really am an awesome amazing and fun woman who understands what life means and why love is really all we have. Stuff, fluffery, whatever….it is the relationships we have that end up meaning the most…the love…get and collect all of the things you want. It doesn’t come close to how I feel. Period.