so the world has calmed down for me again very suddenly. and thank god. i really thought i was going to lose my mind there a few times, and not because of anything that anyone else did to me, but for what i did to myself.

this going to school as an adult business does have a place. it’s tough tough tough. I highly recommend that anyone who is thinking of taking a few years off seriously reconsider unless they know they have mommy to come home to while they are in the thick of it. I have found myself daydreaming on more than one occasion of my youth, my zit-faced 15 year old youth where the nights never ended and usually did with my crawling back through my first floor window. and then even high school. I HATED high school, but somehow, somehow I think I did not appreciate any of it quite enough. i was in such a rush to get away from the mccrazies that i never enjoyed the view on my way out the door. and as a result, i have been torturing myself thinking did I do the wrong thing when i did it. should I have stayed longer? maybe I should have tried to do something when I had the flimsy support to do it.

either way, school is finally over. as of yesterday my last paper turned in. a pretty ok paper for someone just coming into school, but by no means academically perfect. i keep messing myself up by procrastinating like hell with everything. i need to figure out a way to be more disciplined. somehow i am pulling B’s with no time to breathe. actually no, i just spent a good deal of time fucking off because i am still somewhat bitter about the whole prospect of having to work full time and go to school as well. i took three classes this semester, and will do the same next semester I believe, and will take a language course. i did max out one too many times, but stopped a month ago when i realized it was time to get it down. there is always the summer for maxing out the energy flow after all.

i have been sick for the past week, and not a little teeny cold either. I am anal person when it comes to common surfaces in my office. I don’t touch anything. But I ended up at a party a few weeks ago and woke the next morning to a less than stellar throat..progressing on to coughing and sneezing. I am now that annoying fool that you share you subway ride with, but I am also the only one sneezing into the inside of my shirt or under my arm. I hate colds more than anything. Give me puking for two or three days I don’t care. at least the pain is immediate and short-lived. this cold business is for the fucking dogs.

i was back at work today for the first time in 4 days looking at my neurologist’s business card, thinking, I have to call this guy because my medicine is making me so hungry that I cannot afford to feed myself enough to satisfy this hunger. I am also now a size 10/12 on the bottom, 8 on top. I wanted to have some of that slide off with no effort. So I turned that card over, and seriously, in red ink, 5.13.08 1 pm. What? Does this say I have an appointment today? I called afraid of my senility. Yes, you do have an appointment. Yes, I have an appointment. Ok, time to go. Sorry guys messed up, and I have to go to the hospital and figure it out. I waited 45 minutes for my 1 pm appointment and thought cleverly to myself, yeah, I know what I want I can get out of here so fast. People will thank me. I am also a turbo pisser so I walked into this with much the same attitude. Turbo piss that appointment right out. Give me what I want I need to get out of here (I had to go downstairs for my INR which I had been avoiding for 3 months ). When I sat down and talked with him, he allowed me to take my guard down a bit (I had already let his receptionist have it for not telling me they were running behind–seriously was it that hard!?!). I told him I was too hungry to afford the amount of food I would need to eat to quell the hunger. He smiled and said yes, well, that can happen. I said yes, I know I can’t take it I want to eat all the time. When you say all the time what do you mean, he asks? I mean from when I wake up until I go to sleep. In fact I am hungry right now but I didn’t eat lunch because I was waiting but that’s another story. He smiled and I said, I don’t know what should I do? He said to me that the medicine was chosen because it not only treats migraines (I don’t get them really but my family does) and seizures (one had in my whole life) and is a “mood stabilizer”. Then I admitted to him I have made appointments with him 4 times now with every intention of telling him I want a different medicine but I realize I am a really calm person generally and I don’t want to be morbidly sad again. and then i had to admit to myself. i am on an even keel because of medicine. he asked me what has been happening. I said, at first I thought I was just so happy to have survived this heart shit, it must be it and why i finally felt like living life.

yes, I was a \mess for many years. why me why do I have to be sick why do i have to have such a hard time why isn’t it easier bla bla bla. then I had my surgery and boom. I was a new person, so positive so embracing. so ready. I wasn’t ready at all before and now I am a master. and I told him I was ok and going to school probably because he put me on that medicine (I was a feisty pissed off chick a lot of the time). and then we agreed that maybe we could cut it down but we needed to check my valproic acid levels to see if they were acceptable and my inr too.

so we shall see. I am sitting here coughing junk up and clearing my throat still. I haven’t had a phone since thursday. it’s ridiculous I can’t find the charger.

I’m going on vacation soon and that is where the real win comes in. I am a traveling fool all summer long. coast to coast, and in the middle.