A result of my last open heart surgery was unfortunately a little thing known as vocal chord paralysis. In general terms, my vocal chords would not close completely together (a normal fold closes thousands of times a second), and in turn, let an enormous amount of air through, which made my voice weak and almost non-existent. I did some electroshock therapy on my throat, which involved sending electricity through the skin in my throat to the larynx through six electrodes,  with the expectation that the folds would somehow regenerate power on their own. Due to some billing office issues, I stopped going. Until I got the card from my laryngologist for Christmas, I just didn’t know when I would be back.

After visiting four floors when I had another appointment, I decided to make an appointment to see her, expecting some more electric chokeholds to improve it. When I told her what was happening, she decided to give me to the head professor/surgeon, Dr. Peak Woo. He tested my voice and was pleased to see my left chord doing all of the work. Unfortunately my right chord looks a bit shorted out, and isn’t quite reaching the mid-point of my throat. He suggested one of two procedures…the first one ruled out because of coumadin issues and 5% of people having major issues which in one case he mentioned involved a tracheotomy. Thankfully there is another option, involving something called zombie dust. Essentially is a paste constructed from the skin cells of cadavers which are stripped of all of their DNA which are then injected into the vocal folds and plump them up. I cannot speak for 5 days, but after that it will be there, and my working chord will have a friend to smack up against. It will be about as close to my voice as is humanly possible at this point without extreme surgery. Thankfully I will be passed right out to do it, and will be able to leave the hospital the same day. My laryngologist is the master of voice issues…and came heavily recommended by singers that Eddie knows and my own cardiologist…so I am excited to be a part of modern science again.

I will then have: dacron and stainless steel and dead people inside me.

My friend Kareem just saw the Japanese version of The Eye and flipped out when I told him what it was made of…and though my doctor was the first one to start using it and has only been doing so for 9 years…I am up for anything. I am tired of not being heard, and people making me feel like shit…

For example, a Ruth Hage,  a supervisor call that came through to me where she started screaming at me because I wasn’t talking loud enough then had the nerve to say, what is your name? When I told her she went nuts and started screaming Deanna, DEANNA! DEANNA! DID YOUR MOM TEACH YOU TO TALK LIKE A LITTLE GIRL?! SPEAK UP DEANNA!!!! I of course told her she could never call or order anything ever again, but mostly because I couldn’t tell her off sleekly and have her hear me.

For more info on my zombie-town throat procedure, you can check here:

http://www.observer.com/node/49166