So today was orientation. And I am feeling a little less excited about going, or at least for the past few hours I have felt like this.

I feel like an imposter, like I am hiding some crazy secret and I am really not supposed to be going to a school like this. Over the past few months since applying I have had a lot of dreams about having to be regurgitated into high school again. Like I didn’t graduate and somehow finagled going to college and they found out about it and then it all came crashing down. I know where this comes from, and it was from when I moved out senior year and lived in a different city altogether, and amassed an amount of absences that actually did put me at risk for not graduating, but they gave me the benefit of the doubt since I had less than 10 absences the entire time I was in junior and senior high school.

But now I feel this really unstable feeling. Like I have lied to get where I am (I haven’t). And that I have done something terrible. I feel this weird resurgence of guilt I used to feel often some years back. Like I have done something very terrible and don’t deserve to be free.

This could be a direct result of having “it’s harder than you can imagine”, and “the panic button hits around midterms” all day long. It was like a long exercise in preparing oneself for torture. And I sat there after a while thinking, after all you have been through, you’re really going to do this to yourself?

And I did say to E, wouldn’t it be great to be independently wealthy? Because I do think it would be awesome to not have to work full time and manage this, too. And I am not complaining at all. I know what kind of opportunities will be afforded to me once I do well and get things going. I just wish that I could live on a mountain ranch with my dogs and my horses and still get a Columbia education.

I am sure I will feel better tomorrow. I just feel so very off about all of it. Maybe it’s the crazy moon. I do tend to go whacko around those times.

One thing I have resigned myself to do is participate in everything I could possibly manage to participate in. I even made few friends! I will also be attending a speed meet thing on Thursday so I can have some more buddies. School buddies will be key. I won’t be able to do any other play, that’s for sure.

Bleh. The lack of sleep and my headache and all of this makes me feel like puke.