I cannot wait for the next few months to come barreling in…Fall has a special place in the dark and sometimes embarrassing corners of my memory. I was not ever a “cool” girl at school..and no matter how good I was at hiding it, it was always so readily apparent. Luckily I had the style of my cousin to emulate, and good distractions and jokes to make. Otherwise EVERYONE would have known it. As it was, things were always pretty interesting…at least once I was in high school jumping out the window and running rampant through Worcester nights.

I think I am at a weird crossroads in my life. So much of my past that I have not dealt with, the embarrassment of not being in any kind of acceptable circle, the circle I was in abandoning me when I got sick, the dudes I dated that screwed me from one angle to the next (all that cheating can leave a slick and sick taste in the mouth), and my weird penchant for hospital beds. Yes, I said that: there is something relatively calming and home-like about a bed which moves up and down and across with just a push of a button. I don’t know what my issue is exactly except that I feel like I am at a similar crossroads that I was back then. My friends, or whatever you could even call them, failing me miserably now. My family feeling further and further away. My stepping into new shoes and a new life in a way that I cannot quite explain. My education I am now going to actually finish at a pretty fucking good school nonetheless. And a plan to hightail it out of this albatross of drama I just don’t need any more.

The one thing I could always accept from concepts of what we live this life for was to maintain and achieve and foster human interaction and love. I can accept that. I don’t even blame the people who are devoid of that that I have let in to my life. Because I put them there. But I also now have a plan that excludes most interaction beyond what I need. I am tired of enabling people to be shitty to me. In fact, I am just plain tired of dealing with most people period. With the exception of three constant people in my life, the rest of ’em, well, whatever. I’m pretty fucking busy, too.

I was so worried earlier in the week, thinking we had reached the pinnacle of warm days, where we couldn’t enjoy that one last day in the sun, thinking Fall was going to come skidding out of control and squash out any hope of one last dip in the ocean, one last cast of the reel.

But it wasn’t so…work is now CAAAA raAAAAZy in ways I am not exactly at liberty to publicly disclose but they do have to do with trust and bad people and bad intentions. Luckily I am not directly involved in the drama but just to deal with the consequences. There’s a lot of instability, and it does have a way of grating on one’s nerves.

I did get to go to Steamboat Springs, Colorado, and I do need to move there one day (please G-O-D PLEASE!) to buy my plot of land and horse and farm and greenhouse and all that. I really do want the land and porch and quiet to write. I need to do my traveling from there and enjoy a home base which I am not afraid will get incinerated. I will share the pictures once they get them to me…but the education plans will allow me to do whatever I need to do from anywhere I need to do them. And that slicky piece of paper, because it is from that school, will mean a bit more than where it would have come from before…

Now all I need to do is figure out what ratio of Redbull and beta-blockers will work to keep me up at night to read all of my books so I can be a crazy, crackity psycho overachiever and win the race….