I know, this is a long time coming. If you have taken a moment to go check out my YT channel on https://www.youtube.com/@heartsandscars you would see that I talked about this circumstance & how fucking hard it has been to endure all this with such little support financially, emotionally, all the things.

I never did the GoFundMe which MAY have saved me from the worst of this, but let’s be real, if it is only my lack of money which has put me in this predicament, then without it, I would still be here.

He told me he resents me & has felt the resentment brewing for the past year. He knows it’s wrong, as he suggested, but is unable to stop himself. I think this 3rd one broke him because I think he expected I would not survive, he would be a widower & then my life insurance money would have given him a nice kick to make taking care of me seem worth it. I think he was truly surprised I made it the 3rd time, but clearly you all know I never fucking give up so my default would not have been that–I literally never thought I would die because it just seemed like the wrong time & because I haven’t done the things I wanted, I figured the universe was still working with me.

Clearly the universe still sees fit to fuck with me, but at least I have my life still.

I have delayed updating my channel etc…we moved in March & I was still trying to get the place organized so I have not allowed myself the personal space or time to work on my own projects–my guilt at not having my place pristine for him would not allow me the space to work on my own stuff because I felt like I did not DESERVE to be able to do that because I owed him.

I know this sounds insane, but that is what I felt and why I did what I did.

But…now I have nothing. And nothing to lose by doing my own stuff. The hotel I am in doesn’t have the security to feel like I can post a video…Monday I am staying in a neighbor in my current apartment community’s place until Saturday morning and hopefully by then I will have my shit together enough to figure shit out.

I recorded part of the meltdown my husband had Friday. I thought it would be a good reminder later that he is a terrible drunk, and…really should never fucking drink again…more on that later.