JFC. I have no idea who that girl was yesterday–those are not shoes I like to sit in for very long, and I have realized in my life that your experience is largely dictated by your attitude. Now I don’t have the ability, clearly, to wish friends into existence here, but I can choose my attitude daily. Obviously right now there are some other forces in play that have some affect on my general feelings. I mentioned I am going through menopause–I haven’t had my period since January–I started taking soy isoflavones and also MSM crystals, 1/2 tsp twice a day. The MSM is almost magical shit–I hope it kind of sets me up for some success in surgery–it has some anti-inflammatory properties that might bode well for me ultimately in the end. The other thing is the PEMF mat and the boots which attach to your legs when you are laid up in an easy chair all day are things I need to secure pre and post surgical intervention. I haven’t solved the easy chair/recliner issue yet, but that’s why they have Facebook marketplace, right? I am trying not to be a fucking burden on everyone around me right now because I am sick of just living in a money-chewing existence where I don’t wear designer clothes but have designer insides so my needs are always insane. I mean JFC my teeth alone over the past year and a half have been thousands of dollars–maybe $6-$8k (sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to bankrupt you!). We did get some Christmas cash to pay down some of that debt but had racked up more debt in September moving where a lot of that went—there’s always fucking something. There’s really no way to win sometimes, but I do realize most of our circumstance is my fault not working the last 30 months. I was worried, I use the restroom a hell of a lot and needed something fully remote, but failed on the job interviews I did have, not getting any offers at all even though I can guarantee I am the nicest person on the phone by far.

Okay so back to the title. I was pretty suicidal and kinda thinking I needed to grapefruit myself off the planet to save my husband some more grief–but it appears I do not need to worry. Also, I ended up smoking a joint I had bought for myself weeks back late yesterday afternoon-I had quit which was easy since it’s just me who gets to do it anymore freely–but honestly. Weed is maybe the only reason I haven’t juiced myself out of existence-and I have to wean myself more carefully-so by the official day of the weed holiday I will be switching to edibles which I will gradually grade down the month after that. It’s going to be important as anesthesia needs to work well. I will not be drinking until after this thing–it’s hurting my kidneys I am sure of it and I need to give them the best clean slate they can get. Tea and water, limited fruit juice, kombucha, kefir until then. Coffee too obviously I am not totally insane but that is more a morning invention.

This is the week of the video, or wideo as they say. I don’t feel particularly into it, but I suppose this hasn’t gotten any comments, maybe it’s time to change it up a bit to get some more traction for interaction. I sometimes feel like a real live horror show some of you just come back to for those moments where you’re like, yeah–let me go find someone to inspire my own gratitude–JFC this has not been an easy life I’ve led, but again again. A few lessons I’ve learned along the way I would love to relay about going through heart surgery and setting yourself up to go through this and be your best advocate along the way.

I also have an appointment with a women’s clinic later on because I assume a mammogram AFTER open heart surgery wouldn’t be the thing to do. Also menopause-the sweating your ass off I hope the soy isoflavones will help offset, but I guess all that I can discuss this week.

Ultimately weed’s been my anti-depressant, able to help me not take all this shit so personally and take responsibility for things I’m not always open to taking–it’s helped me get into the mind frame–ultimately while relieving the anxiety you’d assume I felt having to go through this shit. I’ve spent most of the last few decades taking advantage–in fact me taking any has been a recent thing as I had quit for the first full year we were here and found it only after we moved–missing some of the stress relief, and ultimately taking it because of that horrendous chest and shoulder pain I’ve been sometimes plagued with. It has worked wonders on that, which has freed my mind to ponder my circumstance and how to make the best use of it. I know I have to get off of it for the anesthesia, but still.

So that’s today’s entry-it might be doubled but it’s Sunday evening hovering around 6:30 pm now. I feel a fuck of a lot better than I have felt in a week today. Not for really any other reason than I decided I was sick of being sad, and chose that. The weed helped a little bit, too.