I am very fucking alone right now, which is obviously not a surprise, but for those of you who have family who are good, who have friends who are there–be grateful. Not kidding you I could die tomorrow and nobody would come to my funeral–I would never force my husband into any service with no attendants. The cremation company did tell me that unless I had a battery-implanted device that they would not have to re-operate on my body to excise it, so I do feel a lot better than I did. I have a new folder on my laptop: In Case I die so he has some reference point.

I am considering trying to find some local work in a grocery store just to help with the immediate needs–that $300 for a special cleaning and $1200 tooth are not going to pay for themselves and every penny my husband makes goes to us and this mess of a body I have here. Obviously nobody is contacting me from LinkedIn so I am going to have to admit–my skillset is not highly valuable at all. Obviously if you have been reading here for any length of time I have just tried to survive in life–thriving and achievement I have left to better people more set-up to do that–the energy it takes just to endure through this shit with the revolving door of faces, support, the jobs, the moves–it’s a lot and it’s taken all of my energy not to feel like I have been ruined by it all.

I keep crying to strangers, which I know is not fair, alarming and not the right move. I have cried in the dentist’s office, on the phone with the crematorium, to a girl I asked for dog walking references from, to a woman I asked for help with PEMF therapy–my husband is not the one to hear it–I am a burden. Being a burden sometimes happens–it’s not even about him being a bad person–it is true. I have been a burden my entire life for fucking every person–unless I am working for you I will end up taking more than I give, I guess, which should be the accurate definition of burden. At this point I am looking around at all my non-assets thinking, WTF can I sell? I could sell all the dresses in my closet, all my shoes–but honestly I have given away most of my stuff for free over the years-I am not sure it has any value. Clearly I couldn’t have anything else worth more than nothing over the years, hell, I don’t even have my engagement ring, we never had a wedding for the wedding ring so this life of being a sick person in America has been a real fucking joke. I realize nobody gives a shit about much until it happens to them–but this is not a good country to stay in if you have medical issues. Your best bet would be to leave as soon as you can because you are set up to be a constant profit center to be siphoned from–and if that is you, you will never have anything you can keep for long.

Living your whole life to be a medical/financial burden on someone else is also something people should think twice about. We got married bc I was worried about his healthcare, only to not even 5 years later be in a shitty financial situation dragging him down. Dragging people down with you is not admirable–it is not nice. Yeah the til death thing, but honestly–no. I told him long ago if we got divorced I would never go for alimony (I really wouldn’t) because I see that expecting someone to support you for life just because they married you once is not reasonable and really a fucked up thing women do. Beyond that, I am just going to sit in my living room, not speak and not be any more of a burden than I am already. Luckily without family or friends, that’s only one person I have burdened vs the group.

Man, this dying for money thing keeps looking like the better option as I continue to ponder it. It’s not like I am going to come out of the surgery a better or more capable person, right? Shit–flying to Switzerland or wherever to do euthanasia might be better than continuing to be a financial burden to my husband. Yeah yeah, obviously I try to be more than that, but in this country–that is enough. Money is the only value we have in this country–to be someone who will take it from you is not a good ambition to have.