Ugh. I am on a fence I am afraid to choose sides or jump off of this week. The fence is about regular employment for other people or trying to do my own thing. Clearly this blog with its super animated marketing and amazing insightful philosophies has brought me nothing aside from the fame of being the first place people get led to with again, let me just laugh about this shit again, with the search “I bite my dog.”

So I am thinking of paying that Harvard resume writer that got Don his resume redo so up to the task he got offers for 4 times what he was making before. Clearly I have no real specialty in my line of employment besides being VERY nice on the phone & learning a new trade or business or software or whatever and servicing that. The work from home thing I am an expert on having done it from 2006-2017 mostly. I am often perplexed at these job requirements of associates or bachelors degrees since we all know I have neither of those but a giant student loan bill from Columbia which again, has done shit for my job qualifications besides enabling especially snooty people to be open to my insights into things in general conversation. You know I love that (sarcasm, people).

I still know nobody in VA, so this idea of networking for a job is not going to happen really quite ever here at least. Don got a job poke from Hawaii and I kind of just want to go there but now I have no 401k he has no 401k left, we have no savings and me not working is not helping of course, but now I have the anxiety of knowing us not being able to go there is probably my fault.

Coronabalona is still but a shell of the site I want. I still own permanenthermit because we all know a lot of us are never leaving the house again. I need some fucking inspiration, a push off a cliff, something. I only have 5.5 months until my next is she going to die span of weeks to contend with so the clock is ticking.

My mother still wants me to do this fucking barn painting I could care less about doing because who the fuck likes to paint barns, schoolhouses, whatever? NOT ME. I have like legit 10 unfinished versions and her birthday is next week and my dad’s is in two so maybe I will just send her a card that says. Nope. I failed. The end.

Either way I need some fucking discipline, life. I have none. I need some hope, some goal or to win the lottery which I am somehow bad at winning. I want to leave Don with a house he can live in when I am long dead but is VA the right place for that? I somehow doubt it. Either way I am kinda losing hope, people. I’m not suicidal or any of that because at this point dying wouldn’t be enough to secure him a good life, but WTF should I be doing?

I am going to get wage garnished for medical bills as soon as I start working. I know that’s super inspiring for fixing shit, but at least I am not going to be surprised by it all. Right now I could metaphorically pull all of my hair out and still be lost. FUCKING UNIVERSE DO YOU HEAR ME?!!? I NEED SOME FUCKING HOPE.