I am not one of those people easily scammed into believing in fate. Fate is kind of the reason we give to ourselves to understand why things happen as they do. I’ve been very good at finding the reasons after for why shit is going down as it is, but what is happening now is really fucking hard for me to find the silver lining with–this governor I am living under is a fucking nightmare who I feel is not fully invested in sane or compassionate care nor actions to ensure his citizenry is not needlessly suffering.

I mean, yes, I’ve tweeted at him about the corona debacle, and yes, I have largely, yet not ENTIRELY given up on trying to help myself anymore. But as I’ve said before, nothing changes without any direct action and you have to be the one to instigate said plan or action as expecting shit to magically manifest is not a working plan at all. Today I signed up as a cigarette smoker from Don’s cell phone as he’s good, he’s been vaccinated, it’s just my sorry ass that is desperate for the help.

But I was trying to work out in my brain what could be the reason that this is happening to me right now. I mean, sure, with the whole birth mother kicking me to the curb thing we were able to kind of picture a better life for ourselves–and we were able to make it happen. That did require me paying that guy on Fivver a hundred bucks a few years ago to help Don out with his resume, so it wasn’t all just get kicked out, and waste away doing the same thing expecting help. This shit is fucking infuriating, though-I mean I have joined so many websites looking for vaccines. And I fail over and over and over again. Now a friend did offer me an option in Mass–but do I REALLY want to drive 10 hours each way alone with stroke brain? No. I don’t.

But back to finding the reasons why-how is making me wait even longer for my vaccine therefore making me wait even longer for a surgery I needed 10 months ago going to work out? Will I get the pleasure of a pacemaker the longer I wait which will introduce me to some job or person who will be able to help me with some job later on? Will Don realize we need to fucking leave this country if I make it because it’s going to take whatever excess $$ we can muster to pay any bit of it? Will he move us to Hawaii so I can get my beach life because I am going to be in pretty fucking terrible shape by the time this gets done? Or is the affect, or EFFECT going to be on his life and he will be able to run away with the dog to a different life only after I am dead?

No fucking idea. All I know is I am getting more tired by the day, right now I have been up 4 hours and I need another nap. I got scammed with a MLM plan instead of a job interview today, this time for travel. You’d love to think MLM plans weren’t as prevalent as they are in our society, but they are EVERYWHERE. They’ve got as many benefits as a gig economy job except YOU pay to sell the shit or sell the education. But the thing that sucks about them is they also require you put your energy into pulling more people into the hole with you, thereby ruining other people’s finances and futures instead of just your own. Not gonna do it. The other issue is they’re easier when you have friends, which we all know I don’t have, so good luck with that.

In any case, I am trying to come up with wonderful ways being starved of a Covid vaccine right now will effect my life and I am coming up VERY short. Those of you lucky enough to get one, high five your pharmacist or doctor, because for me–it’s like I am slowly being murdered day-by-day and the only one who’s seeing it is Don.