So I gotta say, for someone not on anxiety medication or taking any other pyschoactive substance I guess aside from marijuana, it does suck to once again know I have a broken heart again. It’s the thing I am trying not to let dominate my thoughts, but when I was sitting in bed earlier with my hands falling asleep, I realize I have had that happen a few times over the past few weeks. Then there is the sometimes sharp pain I have felt for a minute I usually coach myself out of terrorizing myself further because it is the wrong time given I have no health insurance in 5 days.

I told the surgeon I wasn’t ready to do it now because of insurance, but ultimately I need to get it done so if I can hold off until next Spring…they are doing the next scan in December–so it’s either I have 6 months or a year or 16 years to live, maybe. Though you gotta admit the positives to waiting might exceed the negatives, though clearly the valve could get worse and make the replacement even more complicated. All I know is he said it was a 4 on whatever scale they use, and seemed to even go above that–the last time was 3’s.

This month marks a year since I was last in for the blood clot–and statistically that is pretty good, though I do tend to see death as a challenge I can defeat–for now anyways. So 2015 was the TEVAR and the blood clot was last year, and I guess the aortic valve lasting 22 years is a good run given it would normally average out at 25. But JFC universe, why you gotta be so mean right now? I was just starting to enjoy my freedom when Covid came to town and now my semi-retirement is limited to trying not to die from a bunk aortic valve and avoiding COVID.

My further research into this altitude and the conditions I have seems to indicate the problems I might have at this altitude and higher could be avoided if I were not at this altitude. My cerebral arteries clearly have had their issues, and so would be the things to have as a concern. Thinking about it–maybe Hawaii should have called us, because right now any beachy kind of life is probably the one thing that would leave me less stressed—but is the one thing so out of our control right now. See, Hawaii is kind of a bit protective that way, and no matter what, we would always be seen as haoles, pronounced howlies, or the unwelcome in Hawaii. I am a respectful person–but I definitely want a nice beachy life somewhere. And I might have to wait for the next life to get it.

He and I thought a simple clearance would be enough to get work immediately…but he had to lay out another few grand the other day to get the higher certification, and to that end our lease expires in December, and he is literally applying everywhere–the last contact was for a company based in Mass and Belgium with 50% travel to Belgium, so I would absolutely take that in three seconds over staying here–Germany was also one he poked at, and again–the allure of Europe is a society which seems to be more cooperative and focused on things other than money, and seem to have a better handle on providing services and attitudes which help people have better lives, not just poor ones. Right now we are going to do what my parents had to do–move to where the work is. I am just hoping its a boomerang in another direction rather than back to where I’ve been already. I love you guys in the NE but the allure of city life in many there isn’t a really compelling argument when you want warmth and sun.