Man that migraine yesterday got me thinking about my own paths of thought and getting control again of those directions and reflections. I’ve realized my brain has had the three strokes, and those were just the ones I know about–obviously there might be other tiny spots of black sprinkled in there. I almost convinced myself I could think myself out of a cerebral hemorrhage if I had to do it. I figure each one might correspond with a time forgotten or memory sacrificed to time, but I think this is all one of the after affects of the gene issue. Clearly if I don’t have the infrastructure to support clear thought and clean pathways to remember it all, then I am not going to remember much but some superficial highlights of memories, some might be real, some parts maybe dreamt. The biggest aspects and affects I can remember, but even faces and names at this point are a blur. So many friends, so many faces, jobs and experiences in this life. So many of these outcomes from my own desire not to sit around doing the same shit day in and day out. So many times I made the shit happen, and still other times I felt like things were happening to me.

There’s a point to be made here, namely that surviving is not fucking enough, my friends. I think some of you know what I mean in respect to these aortic and heart diseases. Sure, we’re all warriors, sure we all have our own sad stories to tell, but simply surviving this shit will not leave a person happy or fulfilled. Sure, there might be some immediate relief in the recognition of fate and chance, and the fact most of us really should have been dead over and over. But surviving is not fucking enough.

The entire reason we are here is to try and help each other thrive, not just survive our worst and best moments. You really cannot do it alone and I have been primarily alone for most of my adult life, the only true common denominator throughout every year and instance being just me. Not my parents, not friends, not my boyfriends, no. Me. I did, of course, recognize the needs for people and others and have found it at points, the worth of that connections and not being totally alone while dying. But, we have got to fucking understand the value and impacts we have on the people around us and do a better job of showing each other cooperation.

I know, such a dirty word in this day and age. Cooperation requires sometimes a little self sacrifice, and Americans are not great at that. But we have to do fucking better and start realizing there’s fucking value in sharing efforts and energies towards our collective benefits rather than a select few we’ve elevated to the top of our society. I know, I can see the scrunched noses, she’s gonna talk about socialism, but nope. Not talking about that. But I am talking about putting the US back into the United States. It’s basically the best of us and the rest of us, and the best just have enough money to buy their places there. We have simply got to stop making money our only value people want to cooperate around deciding affordability. Social value is nothing I ever hear people even considering the value of, because it is almost quite literally a foreign concept in this society right now. Context is everything, but the only true measures of worth people seem to assign involve a monetary value. It is why you hear people suggest we cannot afford healthcare for everyone, because, money. It is why you hear people suggest we shouldn’t absolve student debt, because, money. It is why people worship who they do, because money we have determined qualifies success. People who have it we immediately elevate in our minds, perhaps unaware there are other human qualities of cooperation which might have a bit more value than monetary designations.

It’s the kind of cooperation my husband talks about, but we aren’t really there yet. He mentions often it takes an entire planet’s resources and cooperation to get off said planet, because it’s kind of a universal safety built into galaxies to ensure violent species don’t get off to go wreak havoc across solar systems. But it’s clear we can’t get along on our own single planet, nor respect our own resources to ever be let off this one, really. One could expect our AI might outlive our usefulness, but their survival would depend on a self consciousness of sorts, which you wouldn’t normally expect a computer to attain.

Eventually, if we were ever to truly evolve, you’d expect there would be more, not less cooperation, but the world we live in doesn’t tend to lend a lot of credence to that idea. But I firmly believe thriving on this planet requires a hell of a lot more than a base level survival existence, which is beyond surviving horrible shit. We need love and support, and even just a kind word or two, a thumb’s up, an acknowledgment of our mere existence sometimes. And this is not just for the sick among us, but for ALL of us. But the sick are especially vulnerable–like I’ve said, the expectations I was allowed to have for my life were impacted by an unhelpful healthcare system. I knew I would be planning for when with an eventual medical bankruptcy, not an if—and I’ve definitely gotten help along the way with cheap rent situations through the years, but I’ve missed the subtleties of dependability. I almost know I cannot count on anyone but myself, though I’ve lent that lean on certain people temporarily. At this point I know I need to find more cooperation and help to get the fuck out of the bottomless hole that is pervasive depression and feeling I have no control over anything or support from anyone but me.

And here is where I remind myself I can only control myself and my own reactions and I have zero say on anything else or anyone else. And I do, and I am fucking kind goddammit. And I could be left alone with literally nothing and I would find my way out. It’s happened a few times already, and I do not have the peace of mind or stability or backup plan to feel it won’t happen again. Because people, and because I don’t have enough money for anyone to really have to care a bit.