Man. Life is a mean motherfucker for sure. I am contemplating if killing myself now or later would be the better option. I certainly won’t survive menopause and if I do, likely with brain damage. The strokes, the strokes. The fact that I am somewhat brain fuzzy on shit already kind of leads us all to believe I am in the last throes of my life. Don says 3 years, and no, he is not overly negative or some heavy head influence putting me in the ground faster. It’s reality, and yes, I certainly am going to run out of this stellar luck I have been able to escape death avoiding. At some point, it just will.

So yes. I have been selling and selling and trying my best to make something. He is trying to find work and I have been doing all the overtime I can–working 6 days a week for the past number. To start all this and then get fucking wage garnished for medical bills. I just saw the letter yesterday. My last net check was $1000. They have somehow configured to take out $374.60 something bi-weekly. How would you be able to afford living with 35% of your net taken to pay for pieces of outrageous medical bills? Especially if you are the only one working? Would you be able to afford it, really? What incentive is there to work if they just take what they think you can afford with no regard to being able to pay rent to then facilitate having a job or a place to work from or get dressed from? And now that they know where I work, it will be easy for all of them to keep coming after me what will be over and over and over again. And I will keep trying to make more money and like I have said before, know I cannot fucking have anything because they will take it. Clearly me trying to make more money–I cannot have any fucking peace or hope that I can make anything really happen. Any extra I thought we would be able to survive on that I would make is now getting taken and then some to pay for this shit.

I will never be happy. I mean, if you have been reading over the past few decades, it’s a disaster of a life with virtually nothing accomplished aside from surviving what for some, was not survivable. Yay hooray and whatever the fuck. This country needs to solve its healthcare bullshit before you all end up with some intimate understanding of working to have nothing like I have been forced to do. Of having to wonder if killing yourself is the better option or if you can think yourself into a catastrophic stroke you won’t survive. Or if you should just kill yourself to stop the cycle of knowing that making $30 some odd thousand every year will not leave you with enough to ever pay for it all, and to save the people close to you from having to gofund your ass out of certain death. Money is the first and only American value people agree with–I bitch about it but it is the only thing everyone unites under. There are those of you who definitely think, sorry, bitch, not my fault. Figure your own shit out. I get it, but I have been fucking trying to do that.

So what should I do? Find another 3 jobs and just spend every waking hour trying to monetize my time? Divorce has to be on the menu, too. He’s had his life ruined by too many shitty women and I might not have any other choice. He needs to be free of me. Yeah yeah I hear some of you who have gone through medical shit with people who would be appalled at what I am saying, but he has only been around for two of my procedures and they were the easiest. The first because I had so much practice I could shush all worry away and the second because I beat the fucking doctors and cured my own clot. I have years and many different faces before then because illness sucks the romance out and yes, changes the entire dynamic of the support system you try to develop getting out of sickness. I should leave him with mostly happy memories and just get myself off this ride. I am tired anyways and it’s clear the life that was set on me to have nothing that I obliged by having nothing was the only right decision I have made. Literally the only one. Don’t marry a sick person like me if you don’t have to, and really you never HAVE to do that. Just walk away. We cost a lot of money and unless your resources are endless, nobody’s worth that debt. Nobody.