Well that wasn’t a very fun time at all. I got a clot and proceeded to spend Wednesday through Sunday in the hospital, 98% entirely alone and cried because I was alone and had virtually nobody invested in any healthy outcome for me compared to, well yes absolutely some times past. I didn’t go telling anyone or posting it anywhere publicly exactly because I figure if you’ve gone looking into deeper places, this is where you’d go. I definitely have ceased as of late writing my little editorials in public forums. I, of course, am always the one advocating for more purposeful conversation, and though sometimes the short and sweet are the summation of the point, I generally tend to write to two three paragraph mini-essays if I can, explaining why and where I came to the conclusion that I did. I think this is generally not how people are given the brevity and the FOMO everyone seems to be focused so very much on–you don’t let yourselves feel much beyond the spaces and time you even allow this. It would seem people’s emotional investments in each other are actually less involved than say, the emotional investment everyone seemed to have with Game of Thrones.

Do you know why that is? Because you all spend more time watching a fucking tv show, and truly the full investment in time is 70 hours and 15 minutes. When was the last time you spent more than 7 minutes let alone 70 hours inside someone else’s story or stories. Some of you read, and sure, that might be I don’t even know how many books–10-15-20 typically. I didn’t do the Game of Thrones thing not because I wanted to miss that cultural experience, but because ultimately it did not matter to me, and after Don’s description of it being a show about people who are murderous psychopaths who have no redeeming qualities at all. I think he was a little disturbed in some ways with the realization everyone murdered so easily for their own gain, and maybe the fact so many of you were so obsessed with it is because the solutions were simple in that respect–if only we could just murder the people in our way to get where we need to go? See, this is the kind of shit I am always looking at, trying to question deeper meaning into everything while still trying to reconcile my own relationship to the world around me.

In any case, this was version 1 of what I wrote after getting out, and the laptop I now have means I can be more prolific–it’s now in my lap versus a place I have to visit. More on what yesterday’s follow up brought me here in a bit–these thoughts need to be separated more into themes. But yes–in my absolute isolation and loneliness I realized more people care about murderous plot lines in television hows vs any real investment in the people around them. I know, spending time peering at your friends Facebook and Instagram feeds can feel like an investment, but I guarantee you the interactions you have on people’s slickly edited lives are not real interactions of give and take. Sometimes people like me are out there just giving we feel, but there’s a true lack of reciprocation in conversation limited to just a few lines of text.

We need to connect, people, and certainly to do more than do drive by corrections of the connections we used to foster and manage.