I still do those what I used to think were clever plays on words though most people…of course I was going to write most people do not give a fuck what I write. Of course most people don’t, my god. I am not some hero, but rather an antagonist in some situations and I guess a breath of fresh air in others.

I ended up in the ER yesterday, and if you know me, you know I don’t like the ER, but I make a point to never go unless I have no choice or the pain is that bad. I was there from 8 to roughly 5 and harassed my husband awake after sleeping 2 hours in 36 because I was in a lot of pain and don’t shut up sometimes. And I wanted to go home.

I thought I was having a heart attack because who knows. I had a left numb arm, and ripping pain across my shoulder blades. I googled it thinking, yeah, these symptoms match that and so I made him take me in. I still have them all, but nothing could be found to cause it all.

Now I had not gone in for like a longgg time because these people are suing me and why would I poke the bear? I have been the one reading my reports because it pretty much says what the problem is, and if terrible, I assume they would DEMAND a follow-up over let me ignore their calls for it for a year. I do not want to take more than I am due, and really, yeah, I might not know WTF to do with a bill for $165k but my insurance DID pay on it. It’s not like I am walking in places with no coverage. I mean, I have done my damn due diligence to ensure I had insurance. What I can do beyond a few hundred dollars a year? Not much. Last year I took my whole tooth fund to pay off $2500 in bills to the ER for the face smash fun. So I do pay. I am right now more indebted from what inside my body and brain than anything I physically own. I own a used car. It was $2000 and we got it 6 years ago and now sits with close to 300k miles on it. Do they want to take that?

Well they just might, as it is legitimately all I own. It hasn’t been driven in months because the creaking of the CV CB or whatever the hell it is joint is terrifying enough and he had to get a car to go to to work so bought one for himself for not much at all, but a lot of interest. Less than $15k but with interest more than that though he was smart at least and did not go crazy like I thought he would.

Our rent is close to $1400. A bargain in Denver but it is what we pay. Several hundred in community fees and utilities on top of it.

I fucked up. The t-shirts were supposed to be today but are delayed. No drinking at all anymore so they are being worked out but I need more than that. I need like 4, 5 jobs or revenue streams to not be a boil on the ass of hospitals. Or, really what we need is nationalized non profit healthcare. More on that later but we do fucking need it, people.

While I was in the ER someone showed up at my door (not in the hospital, ironically at my apartment door THE DAY I WENT IN BEGRUDGINGLY) with a court notice for 4/4 for debts that supposedly were erased by the lawsuit well I thought so, but clearly something happened. They gave it to Don all while ironically I was apologizing for coming into that hospital at all to everyone in there.

It’s less than $2k but I owe the IRS even more and the school and I do not trust that it will be the last situation with the hospital. I trust nothing but there will be forever, this, this shit as it has always been around me. People chasing me for money I cannot pay for rent inside my head and body. What is in my head is worth $65k and probably more with interest. What is in my body is worth multiple millions but currently only $168 or $165 or whatever amount over that THOUSAND dollars more according to the last time I spoke with the hospital directly is what haunts me. I mean JFC, what else do they want me to do. I avoid ALL of them at all costs and yeah…next time if I go I won’t be able to walk as that is the kind of pain it will take to get me in there ever again in my current financial condition.

Omigod and the CEO who runs my company drives a Maserati and just bought a $5million car, one of 100 made every year. The money people have sometimes is unbelievable but I have to find a way to get there. I might die trying but this is not working.