Man, that was not what I meant to do, wait this long anyhow. I was trying to hold myself up to different standards, or rather any standard at all given my history. I disappear often for spans of time and I suppose the mind often corners itself in dark places—this meaning me and maybe you, too. Right now it’s imperative I not wait this long because I might just forget all of my life over just the bigger chunks I am missing from my historical record right now. I think the bigger chunks are just the details of some things, maybe some faces or names even. As I do believe you could fill a room with everyone I ever had met and I might be sparked into recognition by a handful–maybe. Maybe I was more memorable, maybe.

At this point none of that matters, what was at this point. I am trying to move further ahead and actually make some plans for once. There were years plans were just jokes on me, the years my fear of the ticking time bomb would wreck them all and honestly–even disclosing my fears for a short life to my surgeons– none of them ever said until many years later that I should consider this hearty idea of future at all.

But now I am here and I am still not dead–something that sometimes does shock me because I am starting to see people succumb to the perils of aging and I am here like, oh, now you guys are going through this? Old news, kids–and on the other hand I think, shit, people are dying of shit which is actually quite mundane sitting next to my issues. Maybe I need to start counting my lucky stars more deliberately. Because now I have been here a lot longer than most anyone thought, and now I have survived some fantastical issues and conditions. Now it’s time for me to get taken out by a texter, because that is how unfunny things can be sometimes, how mundane my end could be.

My last post made me realize my issues are quite surmountable in terms of issues as issues tend to be and lean. Not enough money? Make more money is the solution. The surviving shit, a cake walk. Blaming or crediting some overarching power or deity, not my style. I mean, I did do it. But I can also certainly engineer or work my way out of my current predicament some way some how. I simply refuse to believe that my lack of money and shit health should curse me to a life of having nothing in a very real permanent sense. For years I did believe that. For years I thought, shit, you better take care of yourself because nobody else will. I think that is why I have shunned disability for myself as I have–I have not lived in a place anywhere where a disability salary would be enough–not even close. So I will work as long as I can still see straight and speak well–after that there has to be some other way. Money I can make, provided I do have my sight, mind and ability to move. After that it’s disabled internet porn, people, because everyone gets off. I am kidding, wow, how inappropriate, right. But then you remember I lived with someone who did it who got her BA, MA and PHD paid for by a patron who never touched her once.

No I am not really going to do internet porn, just calm down.

But yeah—I am realizing the things that generally throttle people’s progress forward, the why me questions and non acceptance of what is. those things do not affect me. I have been pissed at this idea of god, sure, as the divine intervention skipped me in the doling out of experiences. I have been angry at my situation. I have been jealous of other people, seemingly cake-walking through life while I trip and fall and crash into glass all of the time. But, I have never wasted too much time wondering why. Just generally wondering….what’s next? What should I do next, what COULD I do next, what makes sense? And even if it doesn’t really make sense now, could it later?

Right now in my current condition, there’s not a hell of a lot to look forward to–not yet. I am concerned about my new job a little bit because you know this brain of mine–yikes! I write everything down there at least–but I know how much I need the job, so I am being that girl.

I need to find us an improv or comedy class to do together maybe–we are funny sometimes for sure. Yeah…that’s the next on the list of things to make and do. Make a funny in an improv class.

xoxo cookies, ex oh ex oh leave a hell-ohh if you dare.