So I am drunk enough right now to be honest in some ways I am not normally prepared to disclose, but it seems the right time, the sentiment needs to be recorded, and wow. Sometimes, sometimes I am not feeling the best. See, this man I am married to threatens to leave me all of the fucking time, if you want to get down to brass tacks. It was probably the reason the wine glass went the way it did and it was the sentiment left over after so many fights, so many times me, stuck, nowhere to go, no friends, see.

No really, nothing happens in physical spaces for me in terms of human interaction, barely any, if any could be considered that way. He has done it a lot a lot a lot, and honestly there has been little stability in terms of thinking I am eventually going to be left which is probably why it’s a good thing my wedding was this. A lawyer’s office visit and a signature and sushi. Sex of course, but that’s it, nothing else worth remarking, no dress, nothing like that. He does often make me feel like I don’t matter, but it’s like I am being haunted and burned for every horrible woman this man has ever come across in his life. I get it, I get it. Women are fucking awful, but I am not most women. I am not.

Don got his feelings hurt at work, someone suggesting he was too loud and they knew too much about his life. So he feels bad and as a result is like a barb-tongued thing, telling me he is going to leave again. Honestly with him, it is either kill himself or leave me and clearly the leaving thing sounds better since he won’t be dead and all, though honest to fucking god, world. Enough so that one of my oldest friends ghosted me rather than dealing with that again in her life. For a time it was a lot and then he got this job, though he made some friends, and someone turned on him and now he is embarrassed, lashing out, and I am the one getting threatened to leave and I am sure he will have appointments to see apartments for himself by the morning.

This is the shit I have to constantly deal with, people fucking leaving. You guys have to help me save enough money to support myself somewhere far away from all these fucking people who hurt me. I am making lamps, tshirts, headbands and whatever I can manage in my website. I have a few but there has to be something I come up with which possesses that kind of return.

Honestly. I have no kids, I cannot have them. I have nobody to help me when my parents are dead. Even then, why would I hurt them? I need a way to support me–I need to pay off this fucking student loan. Man, when you think about the money I would need to be free of the world, it is not a lot in the grand scheme of life. The hospital wants $165k, my student loans are $65k. Even half that I could settle for and I could take whatever I could and invest and make what I could. Maybe I will do a countdown and get rid of it all making stuff somehow.

I have felt like I was about to have an event and he only in the past few days started getting really fucking mean again, so it’s like the stars have aligned to fuck me out of a good life again. What I mean by event is a heart-related terrible thing, something to maybe screw me out of functioning with my recent promotion. Omigod WHYYY.