You know my titles. I care a lot about them. Well, used to anyways. I’ve been keeping to myself a little more lately though I can admit no books read in three days as Don had to take my reading glasses because his got crushed. JFC I need reading glasses. The one thing that I had heard about turning 40 that seems to be so very true–it all goes to hell. Well, my face started showing more lines, but let’s not forget I have fucked with its surface a lot with all that acne I had back in the day. And I went blind, almost overnight. It was like one day I had this better than perfect vision and the next day people are telling me to stop scrunching my nose, “just get glasses!”

My little group I have mentioned in the past, the aortic dissection team I am on (nobody wants to be on this team, let’s all admit), but anyways it appears the team has been experiencing some problems but I missed them all as I often do since I am like 25% committed to Facebook lately. In fact, I am not posting anything political at all these days and trying to pipe in with my perspectives on things only to help or share good stories. Let’s also admit. I am brash to the point of appearing rude sometimes because I don’t paint sunshine on shit sandwiches, because there are enough people lying to us every day. Best not to compound it with more lies or mistruths. Sometimes I am sure these people would love it if I disappeared what with my, smoke what you want, have sex, do you attitude about it all because I have not let this whole thing stop me. Sure, it did define me at points but that’s because it was hard to hide for a while. Now if I do mention it, it is to joke that my brain is broken and cannot remember huge swaths of time or something else relevant to the conversation where I might be being self deprecating in my lightheartedness.

I am also realizing that the intention of this blog was to take all of my blogs and put them in one place. The heart scar thing did define me for some time but now I am just like, whatever, world. I had some problems. The issue is do I continue to rant about my strife here or do I use this to actually educate and share my experiences with all of it solely on. I mean, I have some great ideas for some articles based on recent conversations–like the disability question (this is a big deal for people’s egos it seems–me, fuck it, the stroke that takes my vision or blurs it more will be the one I sign off on buttt), how to go about it, what are the obstacles. How people sometimes look up to you to be a hero or shining example for others and the kind of pressure that entails–how people do require you to be a certain way before they exhibit empathy or want to. What knowing I can’t have children has done. What jobs I have had to say yes to as a result (you need health insurance puppies, if disability is off the table, what dealing with your family’s expectations can be like. What eating is best and what not to worry about. How sex is a great thing, don’t be afraid to die and the list goes on. Man, seems I have given some future themes to consider but I am thinking of moving the blog again. The heart related content can stay because why not, but the rest–the sad story of being thrown away and barf barf barf, Nobody wants to read that, I get it. SO–hmmmmm. I need help mr invisible. We might have to move the blog again but I still want a copy of my dating website too btw. I think I am going to move it and then use that as my bitching board, use this as an educational tool orr…maybe use hearts and for my life and scars and for the medical ideas. hmmmm. Brainstorm away…hmm hmm hmm.

Oh and tonight, thanks to my friends at Blue Apron, Tuscan Spice Cod with Farro, Zucchini and pepper-caper mayo. EveryPlate (this is the cheapest btw) came today to take us through Tuesday and then I am on the schedule again….so that is like $98 for 8 meals. Home Chef is $80 for 8. hmmmm. I will revisit this whole idea again soon as the budget needs to be contained again to make sure we can move wherever we want come December.