Well then…as I am sure we have all seen in the news lately–things are a little off lately but I am trying all I can to keep it together and take the steps I have needed to take to ensure that I have some hope for an actual future. I have been a bit shell-shocked seeing and recognizing exactly how lucky I am after reading a lot about other people who have been not so fortunate–people who haven’t made it through one surgery–and some who made it through but got leveled another way. I suppose this fire has been there but a lot of it has not been cathartic but catastrophic–meaning focused on the destruction or what was missing over what was there.

Now–I still argue this country is not a place a person like me will get a fair shake, and that is obviously to be expected given we do not have an umbrella of healthcare to help those who can help themselves like I have tried to do. Now, when I did have medicaid and medicare for the very small (I am talking less than 2 years out of the last 24) time period I did have it, there was no realization that I would lose everything if I tried to have anything. But given these programs are still getting chopped up and becoming smaller in terms of funding and opportunity–there is no room for someone like me (mostly able bodied but still not well) to ever see these bills become anything manageable. Again, imagine continuously getting bills in the mail for tens and hundreds of thousands of dollars. Do you even KNOW what you would do with something like that? You might post it on social media with big WTF’s but it won’t change the reality that there are people all over this country getting these every day. I feel for those who didn’t know their adulthood would be steamrolled by health problems and might have actually accumulated some wealth which would be then have to be sold off or taken away to pay for shit they really shouldn’t be billed so highly for–I guess I should be grateful I realized at a young age that having anything of value would not be something I could manage. That I had endless common sense to manage–Columbia University in NYC was a mistake and I forgot that common sense then, assuming that any degree would put me in a position to pay that debt off–whoops world. I didn’t have my head on straight because I was hearing the you will always be a loser and you will never have anything parrotted to me by my mother as a kid–clearly my intention of going to ivy league was a middle finger to them and my siblings since they are always seen as better than me. I still got into a school they would not be able to was my reasoning there to start. However–having pride like that ended up fucking me over and neither one of them really thinks about me at all. I am sure if they do they are just happy they aren’t me and can manage to have the things I have never been allowed to have a dream of having.

Well…that was until recently. I have been learning my Dutch daily. I have been doing my copywriting classes. I have to start on my inventory for my website which I am hoping does go live soon–that one is no hearts or scars all deanna and the twinkly pretty shit I love so much. That site I hope gives me a leg up for cash–if I could manage a way to get $20-$30k in shit to sell–hell if you want to paypal me the money both heartsandscars and decodeanna at gmail have ways to fund. I know, I know, people aren’t going to just GIVE me money. But–if there was a way to do it or get it I will find a way that I can earn it however I can. Man….the crazy thing is the amount I feel we need to feel okay isn’t even that much in the grand scheme of life. Of course if I could pay off my student loans (around $60,000)–I would do that and then take the rest, invest and run with it to fund one of my ten billion business ideas. if I had like $100-$200k I could make the student loan go away and have enough to last and fund several ideas and keep us housed and happy. Man I cannot even tell you the last time I saw a grand sit in my account for more than a week. It’s been a WHILE.

So how the fuck does someone who has no savings ditch the country with some expectation of ease? Well–first of all it won’t be easy unless say, Katy Perry somehow finds this blog and thinks I am swell and might just toss me money because she has more than what she knows what to do with–oh wow, wouldn’t that be nice? Ha–never. But it would loosen up some hoarded cash and put it back into circulation, which is what we should be encouraging all of those with obscene wealth to do. But no. I don’t expect that to happen. Hell when I was in NYC last with my last 3 big dissections we did a little email campaign to help me with cash and got a few thousand dollars, certainly not the large hauls of many in my predicament but I wasn’t looking to get anything but my immediate needs taken care of–and I did. I wasn’t homeless and I did move in with the Piggy right after because it did make more sense for my future–but no. None of this shit will be easy. But–I am actually really good at leaving I have found. Maybe it’s just because it’s turned into an unofficial theme of my life–people leaving me, me leaving people and places. I am really good at that. And as I was walking yesterday I realized….I am no longer hurt by my birth family’s rejection. It took almost 7 months to get over it…but they are clearly people that know what they need and want just like me. And I do not need the maternal side though I can tell you their absence really hasn’t affected a hell of a lot especially given we never saw each other anyways and now everyone can feel satisfied there is a reason for that as opposed to thinking quietly they should make an effort towards a relationship that meant nothing to them. My maternal anyhow–my birth father is actually the shit. He has helped me and saved my ass more times than I would like to admit over the past 17 years we have been in contact. He has class, has understanding and has from the VERY beginning never hid a thing about me. Not from his family friends, whomever. My mother’s side is Catholic but she is rooted in protestant guilt so they work on different fuel—good thing I work on no religious foundation of guilt or anything like that. All I am is natural organic human shit…no books of guilt no way no how.

We haven’t had a drink in over two weeks now…that is part of the reason I know I can make this happen…my energy is in better places these days. And I will figure it out—there was a space in time a few days ago where I became overwhelmed…what if we can’t leave and I am stuck here being poor and running through the same cycles? I will likely die trying…but at least I fucking tried.