The turning of the new year has been bittersweet for obvious reasons…I want to take a minute to be thankful of the people I do have around who have not judged, who have been there for Don and I during some of the most challenging times…to hear me cry or lend a hand or a dollar, an ear…you know, the things our friends do for us. Thanks to the piggy and Mark for saving my ass when nobody else was there…even my mother, not the birth one, but the one I grew up knowing–even SHE ignored me when I called her for specific help. I get it…I get it…everyone is trying to teach me a lesson because apparently I have had a cake life full of ease and easy opportunities? Yeah, fuck you.

ANYWAYS–even though I am ass poor right now, next January 2nd I hope to have something entirely different to report. ENTIRELY different. I am 41 years old and opened a savings account for the first time since I was maybe 22–what’s the point of having savings the hospital and student loan people could just come take it at will? There was none, certainly. All good…by the time they get around to me I might end up in jail over unpaid student loans…debtors prison for poor people is Session’s response to losing all those easy low hanging fruit weed busts they used to cushion our prison populations with–so it’s cool. I have known I might end up in prison simply not to further in-debt my family to any more hospitals…single payer care exists in prisons after all–though I am sure it is substandard single payer, it is healthcare.

A few things I have learned in my life as I reflect on the coming year…

1) Not saving ANYTHING is a sure road to hell. Granted, you kinda need SOMETHING to save but there is something to be said for a percentage out that will grow slowly out of your line of sight.

2) Buying new clothes–well aside from socks and underwear and shoes–I think you can get a better wardrobe out of consignment than current boutiques–with few exceptions. I wear a lot of stuff I have gotten over the years as consignment or thrift and these things are ALWAYS the things I get compliments on, and not oldie dresses but really nice current stuff. It is so much easier to get excited at a good find in one of those over seeing dozens on a rack and knowing you will be one of too many.

3) Not giving a shit about what anyone thinks of me. I know this is probably hard for you all to realize, but I have been looking for this acceptance from people and family members out here that was really just fucking pointless. It literally had NO point but to do what, make me feel valued? Yeah, that is a tangible nothing.

4) I fucking apologize too much. I mean I am always apologizing and saying sorry–as a force of habit for feeling like I had to apologize for my general existence, for not being what people want, for not doing enough, being enough, bringing enough, saying enough, saying too much etc etc. And not a single person I have apologized to has any smell of perfection SO WTH am I doing sucking up to people as clueless as I am? Nothing smart, that’s what.

Who knows. All I know is this year will be about people who don’t hurt. People who value my time, my efforts–people who value–ME. And I will give as I have–just not to the same directions, without the same nostalgia as I had to what, worship someone who could never be, but in my far off imagination and dreams.

2018 I hope brings new things…better things. I hope all the old shit sticks in 2017 and stays there. All of it. And that would be a win, indeed.