Asking people for money without an official gofundme? Never gonna happen. EVER.

Which is fine as a problematic ID snafu happened with Don’s license. He renewed it and of course did not go down in person to ensure its immediacy–nope, he did it online much to my annoyance, but that is what he did. UHAUL isn’t gonna take an expired license and the homeless thievery I have not yet remedied because I had no idea where I would be living, so registering THAT address was never gonna happen. That one is cut from my general awareness I hope…eventually. So we get to rent the truck after next payday which means that we get to eat, and not on $20. So–there was my solution and why Speedy Cash can go to hell as well as all of you. I AM KIDDING.

Luckily my money responsibility has taken on new urgency. It’s been years since I paid a ridiculous rent–like almost 7 and when I did I had others in charge of bigger things–like I was the roommate or girlfriend who just paid in. Now I am with the world’s least moneyed human, Don, meaning he is not involved with it and given the years it was me who handled all, it is me who handles all.

But, as I said in years past I never had this issue or situation of being the money manager. I can make it, sure so now it is going to be one of the things I fix about us in 2018. FINANCIAL wealth or a lead into that. I am about to get nailed by the school for a few hundred a month I don’t have so I have to make one of these ideas work. I know, I talk about it all the time…but now I have the space again, the materials, the fucking, seriously I have ALL of it. I have enough to send out hundreds of tshirts, headbands, belts, and yeah, still doing the polymer jewelry so…taking the decodeanna back and fixing this site are on the list for New year stuff and I am getting one of those goal books to make sure I hold myself accountable again. All I know is wow, I have no friends.

I have okay, two friends I see with a regularity of more than a few times a year. And two work ones. And no others except the phone calls I get from east and the random non binding, non interactive, non giving a shit postings on facebook I participate in. Reminds me–read a headline about a guy who didn’t talk to anyone for a week and how that was–but haven’t read it yet. All my interactions are on the phone with work which is probably why I get so many compliments for my demeanor.

Wow, if you participate in social media…have you ever gone to the activity log in your feed ever? Like, sitting there on your ass, doing whatever, and then going into seeing how much time you’ve spent even with the number of likes or replies to whatever comment. JFC it is a sobering thing and I BARELY participate. Like a few hours a day it’s sitting there but usually and now especially given we have a great entertainment system with a hell of a lot more space to exist–no point wasting time here. I can sew. I can print tshirts, make jewelry, finish the copywriting stuff.

There’s a lot of potential I should explore before relegating to the outside world as it clearly has an issue with me in certain ways, and there’s a level of interaction I am avoiding with such rabid weirdness in the population these days–I literally feel safer inside. The absurdity, yup.

So I was trying to put a positive spin on this whole recent EVENT, as it were. And honestly–what better gift than to throw your kid out for the new year to get a really new for real start, in a building that is safer in so many ways it is probably wrong.

What better way? Still think adults and adult conversations are what matters. But I cannot help but be reminded this doesn’t sound like my mother. My aunt and my sister…maybe her husband, yeah the one that ruined Christmas a few years ago and turned Don half off until the nun incident–calling Barbara a cunt in front of everyone. Always charming. Still–something is very wrong with people who would think doing that to the adopted child twice in a lifetime might have been a little WRONG, but–that’s people who never think beyond their own self interests for ya. I am seriously a reasonable person who has gotten stupid emotional about this. And honestly–the coldness with which I have been relegated to feel. FUCK YOU ALL. I will seriously never talk to you again. Not that anyone has read this thing in years from there, but oh my god. They really threw me out and ruined Christmas, and are not warm and embracing people. AT ALL.

I am so grateful for the people I have been around in years past who NEVER ever made me feel so fucking off about where I was, namely my friends. You guys saved me from obvious insanity and made me feel like my opinions mattered, made me feel like I was seen and appreciated. I feel I have been doing all of this admiring of my family from afar–well except for my mother’s relationship with her husband, obviously. But how weird that I ended up being the one with the overly sensitive heart. Oh you mean the one that keeps splitting arteries because it’s literally getting stressed out all the time? Sometimes I write these things and read them out loud and it seems preposterous and crazy. Like how would you not know that. HOW WOULD YOU NOT KNOW THAT? Well if all you do is think about everyone else, you might not see.