I still harbor a little resentment with the ruining of Christmas…it only seems weird if people ask what we got. Wanna know what I got? AN INSTANT POT for Black Friday I bought for us both. That was what we got aside from the things my mother always sends us. The past 5 years we have had a small pile of stuff from my mother, usually a few gift cards, some Christmas stuff and that’s usually our tradition. Don said…you have all my money, when could I hide any from you?

And he’s right…when or how could he ever hide money when I know every dollar we have. Unfortunately this move left us a little short and after getting mini loans from the piggy–I promised him the last time was the LAST time. So this time when I realized we wouldn’t have food for a few weeks I decided, on Christmas day no less, to apply for a payday loan.

Payday loans are not what you might assume. I figured, fuck it, I need a hundred bucks, hell, two hundred would be golden. For a $200 loan you will pay approximately $342. Think I am joking, oh hell no. LOOK AT THIS:

Advance Amount:
(amount financed) $200.00
Finance Charge:
(cost of loan)
*Assuming all payments
are made as scheduled $141.25
Number of Payments: 6
Payment Amount: $56.88
Total Payment: $341.25
APR**: 208.16%

So I have been praying for $200 to drop out of the sky…and, it’s not gonna happen.I cannot take on a loan term like that when all I was looking for was a loan until payday which I would pay back on payday–not an extra buck fifty just for the courtesy of putting me on a payment plan I don’t even want. And sure, you could pay it off EARLY–but then your APR goes UP, believe it or not. This country is VERY set up to take advantage of poor people, and that nasty thing in office isn’t making it easier on anyone but himself and his benefactors.

So…me in all of my glory decides…time to get the second job. I knew I was going to get it, OBVIOUSLY. Given the rent and everything else going on but god I wanted a few months off this winter. So I found a biker bar that is pretty dingy and close enough to bus to from here–and if not now, I know it’s there and so I can make it happen later. And yes, I get it, I live to work…I am not working to live. I have no other option–and after getting the pile of bills from just one hospital…it is enough to just fucking give up. I was looking at photos in LA along skid row and honestly–we are all like one disaster away from pure homelessness. Those people are basically me with less friends, and I have only a handful anyways. We have considered at various points doing internet porn–honestly, fucking INTERNET porn. But sometimes that is all you have is what you have and what I have isn’t much but, maybe I could start a new scar porn fetish. I would forever have to say goodbye to any public office, but fuck it, I am going to be dead sooner than later so whatever anyways.

However…thinking about this shit…I have had to come up with an extra $3k in a short span of time and I am like $200 short to eat. We BARELY eat as it is so it’s not like starving I have not done. We have been so broke over the past few weeks we literally eat one meal a day. Don remarked the other day my underwear was too big and starting to sag. It is a size 7. I have the thigh gap, you can see my ribs, no fat on the belly. Hell, if I did have cancer this year I bet I starved it out. If you want to send me a grocery card–paypal it decodeanna@gmail.com. Obviously I have no current readers or people who revisit this with any context to say anything–how about a donation because I don’t swamp you with advertising. I am telling you…this country is in for a world of go fund mes. I have NEVER done one. However, this is pretty akin to that because I am asking the random internet to send me food money. I doubt I will ever need to ask for medical bills given I would put a bullet in my own head over bug anyone for that…but INTERNET. SAVE ME. King Soopers is close to us…(KROGER). I really need food money as stupid as this is…I can starve unconsciously…meaning not eat because it’s not there, but to know it’s not there puts a little panic and anxiety in there I don’t need. $5 can buy 5 packets of a rice meal. Wow. Sad day when I have to ask the fucking internet to send me food money. Trust me, I am only asking because I tried asking the universe for help and the last time it evicted me. I already have my rent money for January which is why we have no money. That is locked away not to be touched by anyone but my leasing office–so help a girl. I will send you a tshirt I am not even kidding I have a bunch still. Yeah…any donation WILL get a tshirt from me. There ya go, nothing is free! And I know the likelihood of this working is slim to give me a fucking break. But I just went to my fridge and apparently Don is hungry enough he is eating tuna out of pouches. Or he ate half the tuna in a pouch which would have been a meal. Our only one. Whatever…a girl can go internet panhandling and ask…nobody bought makeup so why the hell not.

Thanks, Barbara and Deb, you guys really know how to stamp in the hate and misfortune. ASSHOLES.