Too funny. Today I get the mail and what is in there but a tax bill for Don from 1995. Does the statute of limitations run out in 20 years? It does. So why do they send these things to us? Like we are going to be hit with a conscious about a bill that was less than $400 ballooning to $2400? Yeah, ok. Get in line, California, but why waste your time on stuff that will never happen. He was in his twenties and now he is almost 50..nuh uh.

So–the homelessness thing is this. It’s where we are at and I am okay with that. I am realizing when she and I talked a few months ago about paying $800 and I told her January. This is because omigod do you see where we live? Um, nope, you don’t. She said she would be willing to put half back in and I said okay–but January instead of October and I started paying $750 then instead. So maybe I did do this to us. Maybe $50 was enough to create a permanent enemy of my blood. I still think a discussion could have been had with a little more urgent tone without turning into monsters, but that is apparently what is being thrown my way. All I am getting from people is, “but you are so nice. Why?” And nice doesn’t solve a thing. It can be used to buffer certain things, but in order to get me out with a modicum of decency required a real conversation with an urgent tone, or any tone period. I look back and it’s almost emotionless texts that are sent with no thought. I did say some shitty stuff in these messages, but–you threw me away in the beginning of my life and now, really it is the end and this is what I get.

All good. You know how I mentioned WE chose where we spent our holidays. Well, that’s true, but it is also true nobody in my family has invited us out since their great aunt was alive. She died two years ago now, I believe. And as a friend remarked–they’ve been keeping you at a distance because they knew this was just a matter of time. I think it is because we have struggled so much and represent struggle and poverty. Again, for years we couldn’t do Christmas or even send a gift. Last time I did it was 2015 when I got stuff for them but who knows if they even remember. But nobody chose us but Brenda which is why we go there.

Maybe that is true. Maybe I need to remove all emotion from it and stop getting my heart broken every time I get a cold text. I realize the efforts have been largely mine and not my sister’s. When has she asked me to do a thing since when was the last time? Did I even get invited to either baby shower? I doubt it. And that is saying something she and I are probably never going to talk about. It’s clear she likes me not even a little–and I get it.

Today I did get an 8 day extension from them. Any time beyond 12/31 is ideal. I really cannot ask for anything else or more. Clearly the line has been drawn and I am not going to cross it again. It’s a disappointing line that feels like a broken heart, but it is what it’s always been. All those years I spent wondering how they would be and now I see it. What I imagined was different of course…but I cannot judge people who don’t know me or themselves too deeply because it’s where everyone is at. They are who they are. My mother is so excited to be around these grandchildren. You get me out of the picture and it’s a loop of missing negativity given where I am financially and emotionally. You can go back and deal with manageable things and I am not easy to contend with, I guess. Which is fine. I think all that asking of her I did for specific help that never happened kind of took its toll. Help with a few things, including a car, better place to live, a pair of boots even. She’s doing one on the condition I am not involved which is offensive. These were all things should could manage but did not for reasons she knows and are probably related to–oh, that mystery? Oh yeah. I solved it. Yup. She’s good but she’s not my daughter and I have my own life to contend with–do you see how cruel my brain is?

It’s just taking cues from what is happening now. And what is happening is no easy thing. If I get lucky and don’t get hurt in the process beyond what has already happened? Well–THAT would be a miracle.