That’s something someone wrote today in my facebook feeds–and wow did it hit. I suppose these are why these things are spoken and I suppose sometimes these are the things we need to hear. Right now I am sitting in quasi frozen space. I feel trapped by my lack of progress, and I don’t mean progress in the grander sense like I often refer to in regards to the big adult things. Those are the things I am most focused on, no—but the small spaces and graduations of time which allow you to feel like you are moving…you might now know exactly where you are moving, but you are moving and events are changing you and interactions are shaping you. Every day literally does feel the same, except the weather. Right now the holding space we are sitting within is the one you realize you are in with virtually not a string of support in any facet. I am not changing, I am settling into this place and I don’t like it. I know there is a way out that requires I lift the veil in a lot of ways, become a little more interactive, become a lot more visible, become a lot more proficient in those things I have largely ignored.I always have registered the instagram and twitter and site of every idea–but have any of you ever seen that, but for a small flash in twitter world when I was educating on heart stuff?

Nope. And why? Because I haven’t hustled but for a minute. But this is not something I can literally afford to do anymore. I have had this blog for like 17 YEARS…how many people do you really know who have done that, though sparse and infrequent it has been for some time. My discipline is lacking, or really any recognition that any of this matters at all. My life literally died in Denver–moving here wrecked any stability I had in my support system, and though the piggy is still around–he helps me often in every way he can…but FRIENDS, people to plan things around. It’s been a burden I haven’t been able to solve easily.

I am going to fix it all and hopefully take a bunch of you along while I figure some shit out. I know this shitty little gene’s name and it has won for far too long. I’ve got a little more to offer and a lot more to obtain in terms of some peace of mind…I’ve avoided monetizing the easy shit for the big complicated shit. For all of my inventions…this was one I didn’t have to fund exactly.

For years I had a rule I had to have something to look forward to to be a happy person. I have a few things planned I have to blog about–but for now my brain is sweltered with thoughts of the trial I am about to go through for money my insurance company didn’t pay over what was reasonable. And they are suing me–suing me because I wasn’t smart enough to shop hospitals when my surgeon was at that hospital. The absurdity is unnerving and I am literally going to court. My credit score is like 400 but somehow I am worth suing. Imagine that.