Oh, but I did try and Don and I talked about it–what we would do. Without kids or family that likes us much, we would have to donate 90% of it, given how much COULD you really spend in what, ten, twenty years max? Maybe some of my stress would decrease as well and maybe that would mean a longer life…but what I would do as a middle finger to the city of Denver is buy a few buildings and refurbish them into housing for homeless people in the city. I would want to have it be a community kind of thing where the group puts in the effort to keep shit running and employ people that way, but I do think it would be a worthy kinda thing. Granted, I am sure many people would just fucking peace out from the country, but if I had a way to help, I would do a TON of it. We don’t live in Tennesssee and I also missed on the scratch offs I got at the same time–I’ve been playing $10-$20 a week since the election trying to tempt our luck, or fate, or fucking god to step in and intervene to help us. It apparently isn’t working and it is highly likely I will die poor and indebted to Columbia University and probably to the most recent hospital experience given Obamacare just means they don’t write shit off like they used to do.

Not sure I ever wrote this before out in the open all explicit–but given my actual health history, I have been billed several hundred thousand dollars in my lifetime for millions of dollars worth of procedures. What I would do with all of these bills is, I would just throw them away. In the trash, no talk of payment plans, no attempt to make good on it, because, for a girl who has made maybe $30k max any year, how fucking feasible is it to expect I might have ANY ability to manage something several times my own yearly salary?? I mean, these were the debts I was getting at 19, while so many of my friends were incurring good debt, you know, the kind that leaves you educated at the end of it all…Wasn’t meant to be and couldn’t be my story. Did it hurt my credit? I am sure it did given I don’t even think I break 600 for a score–but what on earth could a sick person really expect to get in terms of financial help, or what would a sick person feasibly be able to earn to offset such a debt? I have no idea because I don’t even have a savings account so what the fuck ever, basically. Many of you are probably in the same boat, and if you DID have money, I am sure it has been significantly impacted if your heart went crackers or your brain shat black spots like mine does sometime.

I get it, and I also just want to re-point out, with all this talk of scrapping Obamacare–it’s not going to get better. These guys don’t give a fuck about you or me or our struggles or the things we have to go through because they are just grateful it isn’t them going through it. They may pander to you or tell you they get it, but unless they actually GET it, they don’t. Yeah yeah yeah…they want to keep the pre-existing condition stipulation in, like that means ANYTHING at all. What are we, at the bottom of life expectancy and healthcare quality with 11 other countries and the most expensive in cost. Yeah, that’s awesome. And I don’t blame Obama, given he at least TRIED–all of the bullshit he had to go through and all the attempts at repeal–my god, how could you doubt his intentions WERE to help EVERYONE. But now, now many of you are probably wondering what you can sell–honestly, I feel for you. This is precisely why I have never tried to get a new car or qualify for a car loan. This is precisely why I will never be able to buy nor attempt to buy a home—all a home is is an insurance policy to make sure the hospitals get paid. This is also precisely WHY I have chosen the partners I did over the years and stayed with the ones I did for a limited time. I needed to find someone who was not in a great financial place, someone who maybe had it all wrecked more than even I did, because, really, money does fucking matter when it comes to future and future possibilities. If I was with someone who had ANY ability to pay any portion of my debt, that is exactly what they would do, go after us together for it. Here, with Don, we are both hot messes of financial devastation–his from a murdering ex wife who dragged him through court for years then killed the son she named after him the morning they were deciding custody, so his luck and money also ran out long ago. I cannot hurt his financial position, because, much like me, he has none. E and F and J and the others wanted children and a future–Don’s already done that so I cannot possibly hurt his standing anymore than he’s been hurt already.

Obamacare WAS supposed to give me a sense of freedom in work, given I have written and known for years–since 19, my main motive in employment was securing work which had the benefit of healthcare. That was supposed to give me some freedom to NOT have to have it through work, necessarily, so I do mourn that aspect which will likely be pulled out of my bubble of future possibility…still, fuck your trumpets for electing someone who cares so much less about the American people, but is certainly hard at work ensuring his kingdom runs with no big hiccups, securing sweet favors to further his projects internationally…still, still knowing we elected someone famous for cheating people he’s employed out of money to save his own bottom line–really, what kind of hope do ANY of us have we are going to be better off for him? Ugh, already we see his message twisted by a terrible element in our society, newly motivated by the shitmouth–make America Hate again will be the years we have this tool slo in…what a sad legacy he is leaving socially, even if he monetarily will ensure his wealth and kingdom for generations to come–his social impact is not a valuable legacy at all…