So many allusions and alliterations in this one–so hard to really nail down how I feel and what I think…the only thing I am sure of is what I am thinking isn’t good. Isn’t good in that it leaves me hollow, flat, lifeless, not sure what the hell it all is.

I got back through my history and it seems this is a trend for me, the despair, the poverty. And yeah, yeah, I have a medical condition that threw everything so far off it was hard to know where to start. But really?!?! Really is this life really MY burden or did I make a fucked up choice some time ago which somehow has fucked me into this fateful mess. I question and I question…because I am sick of just eating the shit sandwiches in front of me, unable to complain because sick people can’t, unable to see a way out.

Yeah, it’s life and it sucks and it isn’t fair….but where the fuck is the joy supposed to come from? I read these articles about people losing their shit and just ending it–and I am starting to really wonder WHY I am here.

Yeah, life is suffering, I get that. But where is the joy and laughter to buff the sharp edges…I get it sometimes–it’s not like my life is pure hell from beginning to end. But the overarching theme is not fucking fun anymore.

What hope do I have? I ask this daily…and it’s getting to the point where it’s just me making excuses and repeating the same droll shit back to myself I have read or said myself before. The facts remain the same…and now everything is even more complicated since Don has a severe jaw injury (the dentist dislocated it)–and I have to forgo an actual wedding and sign a paper that says we’re married so I can help him.

Everyone says you can do it later…but we all know where that ends up…in a pile of “I wishes” that can never be redeemed.

Given I am the lone employed one of our group, I pay for it, which is fine…but then Columbia University comes out of the woodwork as a fine specter to ruin all of it–asking me for $496.17 or whatever it was starting July 21st…all that with fine education I thought and waited to get will be my downfall…but don’t worry that’s gone in 10 years, and we all know the likelihood of my survival that long is very low on the probability scale.

Then the hospital and their fun $128k hospital bill which is sure to get winded down, but really–they called and asked me for $123k and I said, “oh oh wait, PLEASE let me get my cc out right now!” These are the conversations I am cursed with handling, which is fine, again it’s life, BUT WHERE IS MY SUNSHINE???

So let’s see and this is how I see it:

What do I honestly have to look forward to?

-nothing–truly–there are zero goals I can attain aside from not killing myself. 0

Can I buy a house, ever? No, I won’t live long enough to work myself out of this hole.

Can I have a baby, ever? No, already decided for me long ago.

Can I go back to school and ever finish? After defaulting on loans and the like, No.

Can I do fucking anything? With $0 in savings, No, I cannot. I can just keep existing in this non progress and not complain and just be so happy these surgeons saved me so I can have…nothing! What a bargain!!!

Anyone else see any issues with this? This is a non progressive non quality existence and oftentimes I feel I am doing it for everyone else, BUT me. 

Anyone have any solutions or ideas? I have a billion business ideas, obviously and I have registered like 10 tax ids. I don’t have any money to fuel any business which might get me in the black…and even then the horizon is so far away it’s like I am on a totally different planet than anyone else…

And this one sucks and I don’t want it anymore.

I work for a travel company I cannot afford to travel with–just to add more cherries on top–I pray at the holiday parties (been to two now) that I might win a free pair of tickets–hell, I would even go to Mexico City and nobody wants to go there…

but I am just not a winner, not even a little bit.