Hmmm. I think the thing that people like me struggle with sometimes is this idea that you go through shit like I have to be some extraordinary human being, some person people are going to reminisce as some conqueror of giants or something bigger than themselves, just ordinary. It puts this incredible burden on a person to have to try and be someone people have something to say about. That idea that people go through shit never complaining, you know those stories you always read about the sickest people overcoming their fear of everything and exiting this life fearless, always brave and comforting that they somehow went out peacefully. I can admit I don’t plan on going out peacefully, though I have felt the heavy burden of illness upon my shoulder lately. this pressing need to get shit done before I die and leave nothing worth notating beyond a splattering of words across a few years with no real fucking practice present. Just occasional exercise I suppose.

That’s what I have to leave aside from brief meetings with some of you, some of you have burned yourselves into me in ways that make me appreciate knowing that so many people I have met in bizarre ways have affected my paths jobwise (in NY the line was dating related…aside from a few years bartending all around I got on my own). Virtually every other job I had before I moved here I got through some connection I met personally through someone I dated or knew online. True. Here I have been on my own almost exclusively…aside from Don and the dog of course. I have these bizarre fantasies of inviting strangers in the park to a mystery dinner party full of interesting things…

Anyways, yes…I am nervous lately. I have such a loose and unsteady and unsure grasp on my brain functions sometimes, I feel the stress of my life is already well on its way to killing me. I feel that I could die at any moment sometimes, and I am afraid to say anything to most everybody…Don says to me sometimes he feel I might die on him and I don’t plan on it is all I can say, unsure on my own grasp on things that make sense and feelings I cannot get around the swirl of shit in my own brain. I cannot quite explain it but it’s like getting thrown into this space of deja vu where I am unable to control the pattern of my own thoughts to make me feel safe and not like I am going to lose my grasp on what is real. It’s a really insane pattern of thought that has to be a result of some kind of baby clot or spark from some dose of extra stress hormone. I have no idea but it is scary and it makes me feel like I am limited in the time I have to finish my book, do some art, make a name for myself, get my house and get some fucking peace for once in my life.

I need to do something for me that makes me feel like there is some fucking reason I went through all of this. I am not a person who ever earned or deserved this karmic fuck. I am so nice, not an asshole and give more of a shit about other people always, over myself. What the hell is going on that I keep getting stopped by my own heart over and over? And if I am not getting it, someone please fucking enlighten me. This is not easy. I am not going to sit here and tell you I am some superhero that never complains and thinks I am bigger than all of this because I meditated it all away to the fates of the wind or whatever the fuck people want to sell me. I try not to let any of it really affect me but at the end of the day, it’s not easy. Maybe I am just extremely exhausted lately (I am sleeping like 9 hours a night now)–and I do feel I need more sleep to repair. But I have to make shit happen and something needs to change. I am demanding it now. This is not fair, and though I am sure I have cut my lifespan stressing out and crying as much as I have lately–there has got to be some reason I have had to go through this lately and I certainly don’t think it served any lesson to what doesn’t kill you doesn’t kill you…until it does. And I want it to be far far away. But I am also not an idiot. I see what the hell is going on in my head and I need to figure out how to go somewhere else, I suppose. I almost want to do a crowdfunding thing but that almost seems a cop out unless I am given an actual date of expiration. I see people do them for all kinds of stuff, but I have a job right now so though I am limited in what I can make at this job, perhaps I need to try and make money out of something tangible while I still am able to make things and get a lot of enjoyment out of it.