Sometimes I wonder if I am still alive and as I pore through the ramblings of years past and recognize the patterns in misery, I have to wonder when I will give up. Not if, but when as clearly the patterns aren’t lending themselves to me having an easier time. I go back through even my most recent posts and it seems that my confusion and loss are patterns I have been unable to shake. What the hell is wrong with me?

I have been largely quiet the past few years on this but of course have written many things in the landscapes of my own mind. I suppose if I don’t actually adhere to the practice, I am not actually a writer though I have written. With the beginning of 2015 slamming into my face, this is as good a time as any to rectify this. And now, because of the utter control my employer seeks over all of my eye-time—you know the time I spend looking at things not entirely work-centric, well, now that they want to take my international news obsession away, I guess it is time to once again reflect on me. Initially I was aggravated at this as it seemed a little aggressive; removing full viewing ability of the international news sites I tend to be overly obsessed with checking. Many people are obsessed with Facebook or checking their emails to the same degree I am fascinated with international reporting of domestic issues, and of course international reporting of international issues as well. I don’t trust domestic sites as they are usually headlined for the fear-centric masses, something the people out here are way more comfortable embracing than I am.

I suppose part of it is my utter disgust and disappointment with my own life—so that voyeurism easily assuages the feelings of failure in myself—not in the same way that people seek celebrity stories as a way of escaping their own lives, but the fact that the world keeps spinning despite all the bullshit is very fascinating to me.

I am still in Denver, which lends a whole new flatness to the life I used to lead. This is a city that hasn’t quite come into its own, and really behaves a lot less like a city than other places I have been. I suppose it isn’t exactly fair to expect any of the same efficiencies that other cities provide because it doesn’t quite know yet that it could be a city. This is especially true of the socialization, or lack thereof. This is a place where arms open wide have never infringed into the space of another…but more on that later…I promise I will be a lot less quiet this year…