There have been more than a few times in life I felt like I needed a do-ever, a chance to start again. Leaving Massachusetts was something I’d been dreaming about since we moved there from Colorado in ’88, the whole state leaving me filled with dread. It’s hard not to feel heavy-hearted living there much of the year, the greyness filling every memory, soggy humidity drowing every breath. I’ve found most places in the country have their potential ruined because the people suck, and I wasn’t digging many of the people I knew at the time.

Getting a do-over in New York and New Jersey was the perfect opprtunity for me at the time, a new beginning where I was ultimately able to come into my own. Living there was imperative to my own evolution, allowing me to shed a lot of my shyness, and a lot of my anger, finding the voice I’d had to stuff down my throat up until then.

Coming to Denver was the do-over I’d been dreaming of since I was 12 years old, the dreams plaguing me in serial loops over the years, the horizons of mountains stretching across purple landscapes, expanses of sky signifying possibility, images of old friends pulling me backward. Though I obviously had a different idea of how this would all go down, I definitely did not expect to find the love of my life, the person able to match my passions both intellectually and physically, both of us at that level of realization where you just know, I suppose. Being able to fconnect, feel fully comforted, and feel totally protected is something I’ve discovered I need, something I’ve never felt safe enough to utter, my own kindness and naivite usually getting the better of me in every situation before. To be able to trust someone with your heart isn’t an easy thing and I suppose part of me sometimes falls off the ledge of uncertainty. Having been tucked away on that ledge so many times before makes me suspicious sometimes of my own luck, though I’d suppose I should embrace the beautiful things with less anxiety.

I’ve started watching makeover shows with some frequency, obsessed with the magic that a chnage that make, I watch the style ones, the weight loss ones, always rooting for the misguided soul who got lost somewhere along the way because I can relate. I would love a chance or opportunity for another do-over, this time back in NY or NJ again. Having written about do-overs before I guess part of me is afraid I’m going backwards going back almost 3 years. It’s a slight more realistic than the 22 year rewind I tried coming here with in the first place. Maybe I need a do-over with my partner now, maybe I needed to leave to fully appreciate how far I’ve come.

Or maybe we need city somewhere new. Maybe somewhere Northwest which would be new for both of us. MaybeI need to just stop running and go back to the only place that ever felt like home. I got my break, saw the space, felt the sun on my skin, found my love and found what i need-the heartbeat of a real city, pulling my blood upwards, standing me up with its energy, electric and satruated with dreams.