I suppose my inherent fascination with death rules a lot of my preoccupation with spiritual things, well, namely things held in high regard in nature, a recognition of the power and age of things we see in our daily landscape.

I formulated these ideas of energy, of ways to explain things when I was sick. I also used them to rationalize the ideas of what my grandmother was going through with Alzheimer’s. I had decided that having Alzheimer’s initially was a terribly horrible and gruesome death, and for a girl like me, so caught up in her own imagination, dying with no memory is about as shitty a time as one could really have shifting away from this plane of existence.

I decided that grandmother’s body could be understood like a circuit board with energy acting like electricity, and that the wiring had been cut in my grandmother’s board, the energy and memory still existing, just caught up in the broken connections and fuses that made up her body and mind. My body also had it’s one way of kicking it, and had either one of my strokes done me in I certainly would not want to exist on a machine, that’s for damn sure. I would hope for my energy to be released into the sky, unleashed from my damaged body.

I have these beliefs that if energy can’t be created or destroyed and that the soul was energy, the body could not destroy the soul.

I am, as has been previously indicated, the anti-organized religion kind of chick. I tend to lean more towards Buddhist philosophies, and tend to fixate more on nature as the ultimate in spirituality, mimicking flight, speed, height or view. The mountains to me are more powerful than any floating cartoon drawing of an angry, violent and grudge-laden God. Not my style, kiddies, just ain’t.

But show me something real, make me feel something magical and that is all I want to repeat, over and over again. I am a totally visual girl, definitely leaning on my visual landscape to inspire and keep me aware. I used to do these walks every morning to Wash Park almost religiously until I decided I was much too thin to be doing that any longer. In the evening I had my requisite ride and meditation, and to be honest, that was as good as I have felt here. I am starting that again. Tomorrow, in fact.

Now, as my mother and I discussed, is the possibility of yoga, now up to 5 times a week, M-F. We have passes for the next two weeks of nonstop attendance for those days, but then I have to join, saving maybe 50% by getting an unlimited membership. I am thinking that might be leaning more towards the directions that inspire me, the directions which involve helping people, giving more of me.

I also read a book that I kind of agree with almost entirely…there are certain parts which are not a one-size-fits-all solution, but in general lends to certain creative thoughts about energy. And the funny thing is, I read bought this book for $5 on a whim at a booksale a library was having nearby. The thing I do agree with and tend to disagree with most of you Colorado folk about is your intense need to be so private you do miss out on those happy coincidences. We all know of points in time where a wrong turn or a choice you made very suddenly threw you into the path of some very important and beautiful people. The people you meet and know, no joke, are literally the pinball barricades to where you end up and what choices and directions you make and take in life. People intrinsically are the key, and those people who understand that, and who do know the power that love has to literally transform you, your surroundings and the things that come to you–and these are not light little things. There are life-changing ones. Think of those you have already loved. You could expand that exponentially by just opening yourselves up for the interaction. So never take anyone or any sign for granted. The things my mind sometimes fancies on a whim seem dangerous and almost ill-thought at times, but I think I am going to try following more of them to see if I am the open little conduit I project myself to be.

I spoke with my mother (Babs) about this tonight and she told me of an experience she had where she was invited to have coffee with some fellow mothers once and that she decided at the last second not to go, and always wondered how her life might have been swayed, even friendships she might have made if she hadn’t let her head rule her instinct, and follow her curiosity, and what messages might this experience have given her or taught her? See, since I took that Tai Chi class, my mother has switched her educational endeavors to include some healthy doses of yoga, Tai Chi and Qi Gong, and some classes on herbology. It’s actual super bizarre how alike we really are. My mom mom and I don’t fuse at the same level, given she is too smart and practical to entertain such dreaming ways.

But yes, given my penchant for appreciating every pair of eyes I come across, I tend to do things normal people don’t do, like say, meet dudes from the internet with almost no pretext beyond a gut feeling and a sometimes flybytheseatofyourpants attitude you guys sometimes are blessed with owning. I instigate conversations when I have the space, and very rarely miss out on something I think I should experience. I am easy to be friends with since I enjoy people so much, and everyone I consider a friend I love to different extents, but I definitely have learned even a little bit more about myself and my own faults through my interactions with others…and honestly?

I am not the good little girl I portray myself to be. No, not even close.

My mother and I sat around talking about my various experiences with men here, and she told me that you all are little boys still playing on the playground, but you are all trying to prove something to yourselves or perhaps the world that you are men’s men, real men who can push the limits, even starve yourselves of love and affection in your quest to outman the next. We talked about a need for speed, danger, pushing the limits, running off on the biggest adventures and she wondered out loud what all these “boys were trying to prove.” I get it. I get pushing the limits in your quest to taste life. I do it allofthetime. But I am neither careless about it, nor dangerous. Trust me, I would love to go scuba dive or bungee jumping or skydiving. I know these things will likely kill me, though nothing is guaranteed, much as my life tomorrow isn’t even bought yet.

I spoke with a friend earlier I met a while ago which followed one of those mostawkwardmomentsinadate kinds of nights. I had to ask him for some advice. And I told him how floored I was that someone I was so fond of and thought I had a connection with literally like shut.the.valve.off. I have no idea how you guys do that, and then he told me you dudes just don’t make emotional connections with girls so easily. He also told me that American women, he specified, American women have expectations that someone is going to fit the bill perfectly and fit a list completely.  But we somehow are never able to ask for what we want. We just beat around the bush expecting you to offer it without making it clear. And that was kind of funny given I had decided earlier in the day that I was good with the notboyfriend situation right now that I have with some of my guy friends. I almost have everything covered, and I am good with that…It’s easier, it’s non-invasive, it’s low stress, and with nobody having expectations, well, what could really go wrong?

That’s going to be one of those foreboding statements I am sure.

But for now, check this out. It’s the outline of some key things which were illustrated in the fictitious novel by James Redfield, a kind of exploration of the beliefs I had initially held, expanded upon through various studies not of a Peruvian manuscript, but supposedly multiple spiritual sources. I don’t have the same high hopes for humanity that he seems to hold, namely because people are the worst parasites on earth. We do not learn, we never have, and in this world of increased populations and communications, there is less of a tendency to take responsibility, which seems almost counter-intuitive. But no, I don’t think there is going to be a world consciousness sparked by more than what I sometimes predict will happen, in a story I will publish one of these days.

The Book Outline.

But for now…onto the job hunt. Health insurance for snowboarding is a must now. If I get this job I am going for, it’s going to be a totally kismet thing. I will explain if I do, as the timing has to be just about perfect to make it happen.